Talking Heads, Cialis & Thursday Night Football Commercials

You know what the fuck is with chit chat they always have to do on the news about when's it going to warm up? People bitch, moan and complain (sounds like a really fucked up triathlon)about it being hot all the time here. How's that hot weather looking to you now? This stuff sucks doesn't it? So your cold weather you ordered has shown up and what is the first thing you ask? Will it be here awhile? Does is it like Splenda or Equal? Boxer's or briefs? No like fucking parrots you regurgitate the same simple question. When's it going to warm up? Motherfucker you've been bitching for months for it to get cooler. Cool enough now. Shut the fuck up put on your God damn parka and wait till summer!

People you moved to fucking Florida. You know the state at the bottom of the map of the United States? The one that has pays for shit for jobs but has no state income tax. The one that fucks up presidential elections and where everybody from the north east comes to die. And they came here to die because it's fucking warm!

I am trying to figure out the Da Vinci code like hidden meanings behind the latest Cialis commercial. Have you seen this one? It shows this couple probably in their late 30's early 40's. They are in the backyard "pitching a tent.'You gotta love the subtleties for the guy getting a hard on. How about him loading lumber into a truck in the morning? Or how about guy who works for NASA pushing the launch button on a rocket. Or an old time choo choo engineer shoveling coal into a train engine as it goes into a tunnel? So what is the riddle of the Sphinx meaning behind the bathtub? Is it a metaphor for the wife being sloppy and wet? Like when he's eating her out? Getting the tub wet? Search me man.

Have you seen the Thursday night football commercials? There is this annoying music which sounds like the theme to Tic Tac Dough with Wink Matindale. And there are these changing backgrounds for each city's teams playing that night. Well the first time I really took notice of these commercials was when Tennessee played Indianapolis last week. For the Titans they showed these two white guys sitting in their log cabin I assume because it's Tennessee watching the game. There were Billy the Talking Bass on the wall. Then they show the Colts fan in his basement with his dog watching the game. What exactly are they trying to say about the fans in those towns? Rednecks versus the killer from Silence of the Lambs? But wait it gets better. This week has the 49ERS versus the Chargers. I am not making this up, but San Francisco had Chinese people sitting in an apartment eating what looks like a bowl of rice (I shit you not! Maybe it was Rice A Roni they were eating?). And San Diego had a white family in their living room with surf boards.

How about we do these commercials with what people really think of when you mention these cities? Like for San Francisco show a bunch of guys dressed like the biker from the Village People in the Castro District marching in a parade. And for San Diego show a bunch of Mexicans sneaking into the country. Or Miami show somebody doing a big fat rail of blow while changing the channel on the Dolphin game? Or some guys in a butcher shop in New Jersey cleverly disposing of an informant while the Giants game is on. Oh only if I could be in charge just one day.

Observations of Week 13

How do I begin with this one. Well I guees I'll start with the first team in the NFL that should be retracted. Well as I stated last week this is/was the type of game that the Dolphins would shit the bed. There is no improvement with this team. They either regress or get back to the point of almost regressing. Congratulations Dolphins on becomming the Chicago Cubs of the NFL. It will be well over 100 years before or if a NFL championship ever returns. You've served your time in Purgatory Dolphin fans. It's time we part ways and find a new NFL franchises to root for. Retract the Dolphins and bring up an Arena football team to take their place.

I know it's the bitterness talking but enough's a fucking nough! How many more season's do we have to have to relive Groundhog's day? Of all the priorites the Miami Dolphins management has,football ranks the lowest. All they are about is bringing the Super Bowl to Miami. But what they mean is the game and not a championship for the franchise. All those improvments are not for you Dolphin fans. But for those other teams that like the weather and nightlife South Florida has so they can celebrate their teams championship.....AGAIN! Let's face it orange carpet and American Idols judges are not going to bring Tiffany to the office in Davie. But management that eats, sleep, breaths and shits football will. All the Dolphins are about is giving us dry hand jobs and blue balls!

Once again the NFL game mix channel fucks me again. Eight 1 PM games and only seven shown in the boxes. Saints at Bengals deemed too offensive to be seen. Instead let's show you the Red Zone channel. Yeah let's bring you live coverage of the seven other games you can already see. Hey dumb fucks! If you show all eight games like you have room for,there is no reason for the redzone channel because all the games would be on anyway! Jesus Christ Directv! WTF is it going to take for you fucking shit heads to realize we want to see all the games!?!?!?! Then at 4 PM they only bring us four of the five late games on the mix channel. I guess with the dumming down of America we need to keep up still fucking images of the Browns helmet glorifying their shitty win over a JV football team.

What is the deal with the alternate uniforms? The nomads of the NFL also known as the Cardinals got their name because the jerseys they bought from a college football team were faded to a cardinal red color. So the name comes from the color of their shirt. Not the bird. And last time I check the only black cardinals I have seen were serving in the Vatican from the Dominican Republic! So what the fuck is with the black jerseys? Why are you making more memorabilia choices for a franchise that nobody follows? And I'm not sure what color the Packers had on yesterday but am I the only person that sees the humor in a team called the "Packers" wearing a brownish color and is playing a team from the most openly gay city in America?

And tonight we are sired with watching the two most obnoxious fan bases in the NFL play on Monday Night Football. I mean we're fortunate it's at least two teams with winning records and not like last Monday when it was the 49ers vs some new franchise Arizona got in an expansion we didn't know about. But fuck both of these franchises! Do you just root for a scorless game? Do you actually wish an act of terrorisim on the stadium? I mean what do you do? Hmmm the Lifetime movie about the guy who two times his ovarian cancer stricken wife with an underage teen age girl who is the center of a bitter custody between her parents sounds a lot more appealing. Damnit where's the Kleenex!?!?

The End of the Innocence

Remember when you were kid? About seven, maybe eight years old. That's about the age where being a little kid starts to fade away. Your friends started to find out there are no fictional characters. First it's Santa Claus. Then they all start to fall like dominoes. The Easter Bunny, then the Tooth Fairy. Even all the oversized characters you see at theme parks. "Sorry kid but they are all just people in a costume." Poof! The magic is gone.

That's kind of how I feel about this 2010 Miami Dolphin season. I have finally (I know it took me that long!) come to the realization that the team I have supported for 30 plus years is just a fairy tale. They are not as good as I've made them out to be. But like anyone who has been severly brainwashed by winning consecutive championships on Madden you refuse to believe this. You are white knuckled dug in deep hanging on for dear life to that age of innocence. Wishing that at some point you'd wake up in your jammies know it was all just a bad dream.

But it's not. It's the sobring truth. This team and this franchise in general is in some sort of purgatory. I mean I've know since Week 4 against the Patriots the Dolphins were basicly caught in the tuna net and are going to be pulled aboard a Japanese fishing vessel. But cheese and fucking crackers guys what the fuck was that shit you put out on the field last night(reffering to the Bears/Dolphins game)? What the fuck have you put on the field the past 11 weeks?

Why? Why every year does it have to be this way with this franchise? Was I the Marquis de Sade in a former life and now I am paying for it? Was Satan really present in 72 in order for this team to go undefeated and still be the only one to go undefeated? I have never seen this franchise win shit. Sure I saw Marino break shitload of records. But even with him at qb this team was still doomed. Why you say? Because the Dolphins continue to do the same dumb mistake season after season. They put it all on one guy or one side of the ball to burden the load. The Dolphins have not been a "team" since they won back to back titles in the 1970's. And that was a long fucking time ago!

After Miami signed Marino he was the entire team until JJ came to town. Then we got this great defense that would swoon every late November into December. Why? Because they were fucking exausted from carrying this sack a shit of a franchise. Then JJ spilts and in comes Uncle Dave. JJ snows Wayne that this is the guy. Marino is gone and in comes dreadlocekd Jesus Ricky. Dave puts it all on Ricky and the defense. Do we really need to relive how this went?

Then we get this red ass of a coach (Saban) who winds up pulling a dead beat dad and hauls ass on us. So we get a patsy as coach (Cameron) to be the stop gap and in comes the Tuna. All is well don't worry he's going to make us a winner. And to his credit he did in the first season. So what do we load all the hopes and dreams onto again? Not a player. Not defense, but a unorthodox play formation. The wildcat. But like anything else with the Dolphins it gets overused and the rest of the league figures how to defend it.

The 2010 season really reflects a popular song by Katy Perry. Hot n Cold. Yes I refrenced one of her songs. But an apropos title for them. One week they seem to have it together, then the next they look in contention for a first round pick. Don't let the Oakland game sucker you in Dolphin fans. They looked good. It felt good to really beat a team. However you know the Browns are going to look like a elite team after Sunday. I hope not but by the bi polar antics of the Dolphins this season I am forcasting a total bed shitting by the Dolphins on Sunday. Which is ironic because the team is the Browns.

All you can hope for this 2010 season is that they play spoiler and fuck up New England or New York's season and keep one of them out of the playoffs. It's really crucial they beat both of them so they split. But that's like asking Christopher Reeve to walk when he was alive. So cross your fingers they can at least give one of them a nice big shit burger to eat for the holidays!

An Open Letter to Directv

Dear Directv,

Thank you for year after year of having me over the barrel. I enjoyed the forced entry and lack of pillow talk. You had me at free NFL Sunday ticket and premium channels for four months. It was such a whirlwind romance. You looked so sexy in your white box. Now I'm sad to say the fire had gone cold.

You have the balls to charge me for HD channels, DVR service and additional receivers. On top of all the extra fees I have to pay you, I have to give up a testicle or vital organ of your choice every summer because you've have the exclusive rights to ALL NFL games. And like a crack addicted whore I am willing to suck your cock for that fix!

I don't mind giving you some head for my fix. However after all the money and blow jobs I have given you, you can't show all eight of the one o'clock games on the game mix channel? Do you know the loads of bitter tasting seamen I have swallowed for you to watch these games? The overgrowth of pubes I have spit out afterwards? You selfish cheap bastards!!!! You should be ashamed!

Last week there were seven 1PM games. Instead of showing the seven 1 PM games you chose to only air five 1 PM games. Now I wasn't the best at math but you had 3 more screens left to use on your game mix channel if it can show eight games at once. Of the remaining three screens on one you had the Red Zone channel broadcasting. For those of you keeping score that leaves two boxes. Instead of broadcasting games you elected to show me the fucking logos for the upcoming KC/Denver and NY Giants/Dallas games at four!

Who gives a shit, who gives fuck about that!?!? Me and x amount of other assholes who have blown through their kids college funds to watch this shit week in and week out expect some satisfaction. I have paid for the right to watch EVERY fucking game. No matter how shitty you may think Detroit @ Buffalo or Carolina @ Tampa Bay is, I want to see that over watching a still image of an arrowhead and the head Jack Woltz wakes up next to in The Godfather.

My mom always told me,"Why bother to wipe your ass! You're only going to shit again!" Well she did tell me that but she also said you attract more flies with sugar than vinegar. So pretty please with sugar on top put eight fucking games on the game mix instead of team logos. I'm well aware who's playing at four. And if I want to see two of the lowest rated football games of the week it's my God given right. So fuck you and the dish you rode in on! Oh and please don't cut me off. I really want to watch the colossal match up between the Browns and Jags and 49ers and Buccaneers!

You Can't Handle the Truth!

How many of you are sick and tired of the uneducated, band wagon hopping, sports fan? I detest them so much I would like to smash a beer bottle over their head and slash their throat. Then go out for a nice calzone.

I guess the days of being loyal to one team are over. With the internet and NFL Sunday Ticket, it's easy to be out of state and follow your "favorite" team. Unfortunately, nobody seems to follow the local teams where I live. And the ones I've come across are fair weather fans. I've never really cared who was a fan of what team, all I cared about is that you stick with that team. For example, where I live I have seen fans for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, Jacksonville Jaguars (soon to be Los Angeles' problem) and the Miami Dolphins. Depending on how any one of these three teams finishes, you will only see one of them being supported come playoff time. If they even make the playoffs.

However, this is not likely this season. But the majority of these assholes carry shirts for all three teams in their closet. Conveniently putting on the front running team's shirt and boasting about how they ruuuuulllllllleeeeee! They even go as far as putting those flags on their cars like they are a fucking diplomat. Fuck off! Ever heard of Ricky Bell? Bucs fans? How about Donald Igwebuike? No? Hey Jags fans....who fucking cares…there hasn't been a Jags fan around here since 1999. Oh and Dolphin fans, there have been a lot of other players besides Dan Marino, none quite as good, but others. In other words, learn about your damn team! Besides jerking off to porn and buying useless shit on the internet you can actually learn some shit. Hmmm some Spankwire sounds good about now.....

I'm going through the 32 teams in my head and trying to recall if I have met a "real" fan from each of those franchises. One that I was particularly curious of was Arizona Cardinal Fans. Ever seen one? It's like spotting Big Foot. I was at one of the local theme parks the night before the Super Bowl 43. Steeler nation was in full effect. But for every 17 Steeler fans (which I was very suspect of. Can you say band wagon?) I would see there would be one unicorn, AKA an Arizona Cardinal fan. Holy Shit, they really exist! I thought the next thing I would see would be Nessy, the tooth fairy and Santa. Fuck taking pictures with the characters! Take one with one of these Cardinal fans! When will you ever see all 10 of these Cardinal fans mass together like this again? When does Haley's Comet come back?

But being a fan of the Dolphins, I have encountered a lot of shit from Jets fans. Jets fans have always been loud, obnoxious and overly confident. They are as loyal as the team’s record. They will root for the Giants once their season went in the toilet. Bills fans were pretty obnoxious too in the early 90's. Funny how the media always portrayed them as so loyal. However, I do recall the fans dressed as snow when Buffalo really sucked during the Fred Smerlis, Joe Ferguson and Joe Cribbs days.

Dolphin’s fans are not totally free of blame either. Miami can be very Los Angeles like in their support. It's a see and be seen town. If they are on Monday night the fans come out of the wood work. Sporting their overly laundered Irving Fryar jersey from 1994. And still hoping Marino comes back for one more season. Wake up and smell the Nutra System! He retired! Stop bringing him up and the fucking 72 team for that matter. Move on! Yeah there hasn't been much to cheer about in 15 or so years but damn it get some new shit would ya!!!???

And now I focus my attention on the new budding annoyances of football. Patriots fans. I was actually happy for the Pats when they beat the Rams in Super Bowl XXXVI. I was sick of hearing the media sucking the Rams' dicks about how unstoppable they were, and whether or not they cheated (what team doesn't steal signals, so all of you get over that too). You have to admit the Pats smacked the shit out of them. Look, the New England Patriots were a shitty franchise for the longest time. Their prior two Super Bowl appearances were disasters. I understood the euphoria with the first win. I was even congratulating these "fans" that I met. But don't forget Pat fans, if it wasn't for Drew Bledsoe almost losing a lung this dynasty might not ever of happened.

Most Pat fans I have met only know the recent history of the franchise. Ask one who is John Smith? Or John Hannah? No, he's not related to Miley Cyrus. Out of a hundred or so "Patriot fans" I have met only two really stand out in my mind as being legit fans. They were respectable and not big whiners like most Boston fans I have met. Sure they would gripe like any of us if their team lost. But they were never, the sky is falling, like the rest of you wanna bees I have met.

The problem I see with the modern day Boston fan is they let the success of the three Super Bowls, two World Series and one NBA Championship fuck with them bad. Oh, and Ray Bourque getting a Stanley Cup with Colorado. I understand the frustration of these fans, there were some long droughts. But let's be honest Boston, the Pats were an afterthought. Nobody gave a fuck about that franchise. The Red Sox and the Celtics are more your passion, which had been dominated for years by other teams. But most notably teams from the city of New York! The Yankees in particular. "New York is full of assholes. They are the evil empire. They are fucks!" Hmmmm. Seems like everybody calls your football team that now. To me, Pat fans are wanna be New Yorkers. They want to be as successful as a franchise like the Yankees, yet they can't handle the pressure like a New York fan. As soon as shit goes wrong for Boston fan the whining and crying start and how everybody is conspiring against them.

Basicly what I'm saying is not everybody is going to like your team. Some might down right loathe them. But have some fucking backbone and stick by them. I might say a lot of shit about my own team but no way in hell would I drop them and go to where the grass maybe greener. I will never become like one of these pathetic little weasels of a bandwagon fan I so vehemently disgust! I wish that all bandwagon fans get some sort of VD!

I Need an Intervention!

I'm still in a bit of a haze from the bed shitting the Miami Dolphins did this past Monday night. I haven't been furious like that over a game in a long time. I know they are 2 and 2 and it's only a month into the season. But do you honestly think they can crawl out of this ditch they have dug for themselves? Besides the Dolphins of the early 70's when have you seen this franchise really come through? They basicly have to win their remaining 12 games. News flash folks. We're the 2010 Miami Dolphins. Not the 07 Patriots or the 72 Dolphins. No way in hell it's happening.

But 2010 seemed like it was going to be different. The Dolphins actually went out after some big time free agents. Not like the past where they would get a big name who was on his last legs. Nothing more than a wing and a prayer to hopefully put butts in the seats.They brough in some coaches with clout. A quarterback who shows promise (calm down assholes he's only played 17 games!) But no matter how much things have changed in the Miami Dolphins it always remains the same.

I've been in an abusive relationship with these motherfuckers since I was 10 years old. Times were good then. The Dolphins were courting me. They brought me flowers and said all the right things. They wooed me. They used to put the Jets, Patriots, Colts and Bills (Original AFC East kids) in their place when they would insult me. They even went as far as defending my honor to the Jets in the 82 AFC Championship Game. Only to break my heart the first time on January 30,1983.Super Bowl XVII (17).

But like most abused spouses I believed their bullshit. The Dolphins got romantic with me and tried once again to rekindle our relationship. They drafted one of the greatest qb's of all time. Dan Marino. Once again I am swept off my feet by this franchise. Only to have to clean the shit from the bed when the 49ers dry fucked my ass in Super Bowl XIX (19 for you Roman numeral challenged). And since then it has been nothing but empty promises from you fucking bastards.

All through the 80's and 90's you would get so close only to fuck it all up in the end. Every time there is a fucking opportunity for you to shine you shit the bed instead. You whoop the juggernaut 85 Bears. But choke to a wild card Patriot team in the AFC Championship game in January of 86. (My last time seeing a game in the Orange Bowl). Then in the late 80' to early 90's you do what you are famous for. Being mediocre at best! Lots of .500 or just below seasons. Then in the early 90's you show some fight only to get beat by a division rival you used to push around. The Buffalo Bills. So what do you do Miami Dolphins? You just lay down and spread your legs like a fucking whore and take having a train run on you by the Bills!

But again and again I forgive you and still support your fucking worthless ass. Only to be let down season after season. Why do I stay with you? Why do I keep thinking this could be the year. Only to have to watch franchises that have never even had a whiff of the post in season in their history make it and win the fucking Super Bowl! It's been 37 seasons and counting since you brought Tiffany (unofficial name of the Lombardi trophy)home! The trophy has been here, but plenty of other teams have gone home with it. I bet the remaining franchises who have never been to a Super Bowl will win one before the Dolphins!

Year after year in the 2000's it was all about mortgaging the future to win it all. Only to leave the cupboard bare for the future. But even after coaching changes, personal changes and even new ownership you still continue to disappoint. All you do is shit the bed season after season. How is it the New Orleans Saints who lost about everything 5 years ago make it to two NFC title games and a fucking Super Bowl win!?!? And what the fuck do you guys have to show for it? Oh yeah you hosted them! You made a fucking South Beach club out of the end zone. Well I guess you do need some sort of distraction from all the bed shitting. And you parade around countless celebrities on a fucking orange carpet. And play these corny fight songs. Hey nobody gives a fuck assholes! I don't recall the Steelers,Colts, Ravens or fucking Patriots for that matter doing these dog and pony show gimmicks to win fans. They just win! You ought to change the logo and name of the franchise. Call us the Miami Blue Balls. Get rid of the Dolphin and just put a swollen pair of balls on the side of the helmet. You guys are nothing more than a fucking cocktease!

I've had enough of this fucking bullshit Miami Dolphins. I'm tired of being the abused housewife. I'm about to call Hoarders and Intervention for you. You need some clinical fucking help! How going 1 and 15 has not shaken the foundations of this franchise to its core is beyond me. The problem is we are fucking lemmings that blindly follow you. We blindly follow your bullshit day and night. Hoping and praying that this year will be our year! Well guess what? Dream On! It's never going to happen Dolphin fans. We will never ever see this franchise do a God damn thing but make us penniless and insane!

Wake the fuck up Miami Dolphins! You will never be relevant in the NFL. All you will ever be is brought up when some team goes undefeated. Or if somebody tries a fake spike play. Or whenever a team totally collapses on Monday night it will be compared to 2 of the biggest fuck ups in Monday Night Football history! Isn't that something to be proud of for generations to come!?!? All we are is a punch line! But none the less Miami Dolphins you are who I thought you were. ALL FUCKING TALK!

Move On!

Well here we are at Week 3 already. And it’s Jets week. There is a little more intensity with Jet week this season. The Dolphins are actually 2 and 0! And this is not on a Playstation! Not only are they 2 and 0 but the fate of 1st place hangs in the balance. And if you’d like to cram some more shit into that, one of the defensive players for the Jets is the former face of Miami’s defense. Jason Taylor.

Alright stop with the booing, hissing and throwing cups of hot urine! Cut this dude some slack! Yes I do not like seeing him play for the Jets. Yes I wish he could have finished his career as a Dolphin. Yes I wish I had a cock that hung to my mid thigh! But guess what? They are all wishes! The bottom line is this is not the NFL of the 70’s and 80’s where guys could finish their careers with the team that drafted him. I’m not saying it doesn’t still happen, but it’s very rare. About as rare as finding a woman in porn with a big bush!

Jason Taylor was is and always will be a Miami Dolphin. No matter what uniform he had on. Joe Namath finished as a Ram. Joe Montana finished as a Chief. Franco Harris finished as a Seahawk. Johnny Unitas as a Charger and OJ for the Mean Machine. Regardless of where they finished we all know where they started. Well except for people who collect throwback jerseys. During this whole off season did you ever hear JT say anything disparaging about the Dolphins organization or its fans? It’s not like he did a Favre and made us hang on his every moment. I mean what did he do besides go and sign with the Jets? What’s the big fucking deal about that? Let’s say your job was treating you like shit. HR thinks of you as a total pariah. And let’s say your company’s biggest competitor starts talking to you and offers you everything your current job won’t offer you. Why would you have any loyalty to an employer who’s blowing you off?

But like I was saying it’s not like Jason made the Dolphins wait on him. If you’re going to be pissed at anybody be pissed at the organization on how they handled him! And even the organization you can’t be too pissed with. Don’t hate the playa folks, hate the game! And the name of the game is bigger stronger, faster and most importantly YOUNGER! Would you rather Miami spend the money on paying him for nostalgia or use that money to get bigger, stronger, and faster for the future? How quickly you ignorant fucks forget the Dave Wannstedt days when the future was constantly mortgaged!

Trust me Jason lived and died with the folks in this town when it came to winning and losing. And I’m sure it wasn’t an easy decision to go play for the hated Jets. And he knew the shit he was going to take from you fucking morons! But at the end of the day the dude has bills and he needed a job. And unfortunately those scumbags were the only ones hiring. How quickly you forget the years of hard play he did for Dolphin teams that had no business being out on that field. Hang onto those 99 jerseys. You’ll need them again when he retires and his name goes up in the stadium. Then you fuckers can swallow that nice shit sandwich you made yourselves.

Merry Christmas Damnit!!!!

Four days and counting! Well unless you think that Thursday night Viking/Saints game counts. But the real kickoff to the 2010 NFL season to me starts on September 12th. That Thursday night “kickoff” game to me is a bunch of horse shit. It’s like opening your presents before Christmas. What fun is Christmas if you have nothing to open? Remember when you were a kid? You couldn’t sleep the night before. All excited about ripping into some gifts. You wake up at the ass crack of dawn. IT’S CHRISTMAS DAY! HOLY SHIT! Well maybe not all 8 year olds said that. But I was rather advanced with my profanity skills as a child. None the less you run down stairs only to slam on the breaks because you couldn’t wait and blew your load days before opening your shit.
That is what this NFL Thursday night bullshit means to me. The product sells it self. I really don't give a fuck about Dave Matthews and some alien looking teeny bopper singing about sitting in the God damn bleachers! Is this what it's come down to. A dog and pony show to get viewers!?!?!
And of course it has to be fucking Favre. I’m not sure who disgusts me more. Favre or the media. The media or Favre. That is the question. I’ve been meaning to blog about this before but my God given ability for procrastination had kicked in. I love how the media acts annoyed by his indecisiveness. But let’s face it. These mother fuckers love it as much as Sasha Grey doing a five man gangbang. Who the fuck do you think you’re kidding media with your eye rolling and phony bologna “is this the last season we have to talk about this” bullshit empathy for those of us that would rather puke blood then hear more Favre watch!
It’s a rerun with this guy every season. Why speculate and why give him the attention? I can totally understand the guy not wanting to give up playing. If I was in his situation I'd be hanging on to it for dear life. But sensational journalism is the name of the game it’s a perfect marriage. Hopefully this is the last season of this horseshit. But don’t worry. For those of you having withdrawals next season for this I’m sure the media will make some sort of comment about “Hey it’s the first pre season with out a Favre watch.” Oh shut the fuck up! Go fuck yourself with a pair of Wrangler jeans!
Since I have the NFL Network I’ve watched a lot of pre season action. And I have to say the broadcasters are painfully boring to listen to. It’s like a steady rotation of holy shit that guy is still alive to why the fuck is this guy calling the game!?!?! Case in point, I was watching the Cowboys/Dolphins game last night on the internet. Don’t get me started on that. Fucking iron curtain of football viewing area I live in only shows the Phins live if they play the Jaguars or Buccaneers. I’ll save that rant for another time. But one of the broadcasters was Babe Laufenberg. WHO!?!?! As my buddy the Reverend asked. I guess Audrey Bruce wasn’t available. Actually the really great part about pre season is the unintentional sexual innuendos broadcasters make. Here are a few examples.
During the Bengals/Eagles pre season game Tony Siragusa said “Yeah Carson’s balls seem to be a little elevated tonight.” Well is that so!?!?! Or Nat Moore's comment during a Dolphins/Jaguars preseason game; “You got three guys coming together. That’s illegal.” Since when? I watch porn and I have seen three guys coming lot’s of times. Usually in Sasha Grey movies. I am ashamed we are still prejudiced about how many guys come! And finally Dolphins great Bob Griese said this during the Dolphins/Falcons broadcast “Yeah one time I took a big sack.” So that's how he got to start Super Bowl VII over Earl Morral. Just think those were only the preseason games! I can’t wait to hear the rest of the innuendos you can find during an NFL game. Too bad Bryan Cox and Marion Butts are retired!

The Road to XLIV Goes Through Miami

The road to Super Bowl XLIV not only goes through Miami it also stops there. First off I hope I am not taken to court over using the word Super Bowl. The NFL has a moratorium on the use of that word. Pompous assholes! But if you want to make it to the Super Bowl (ooh I said it again!) you have to play the Miami Dolphins.

In my oh so non scientific research I conducted, I discovered that the past four Super Bowls' contestants have one thing in common. They all played the Miami Dolphins during the regular season. So Dolphin fans take pride that you are the most unselfish team. Putting others before yourselves. Let's take a quick review of my data that has led me to believe how our generosity has led other teams to the promised land.

SB XLI: Colts 29 Bears 17. Dolphins beat Bears 31 to 13. Lose to Colts 22 to 27. The Colts win over Miami allows Peyton to overcome his choking difficulties and make him into a Super Bowl champion.

SB XLII: Giants 17 Patriots 14. In probably one of the greatest Super Bowls ever played the New York Giants give the Dolphins the greatest gift of all. Preserving all we have to hang on to as fans. The 17-0 season. The Giants beat Miami that season 13 to 10 in London (don't get me started on how fucking retarted it is to play NFL games outside the US). And of course the Patriots sweep the Phins on their way to probably the biggest choke job next to the Latrell Sprewell/P.J. Carlisimo incident.

SB XLIII: Pittsburgh 27 Arizona 23. Miami only played one of these teams in 2008. The Cardinals. They whipped Miami 31 to 10. That whipping made history. Vaulting Arizona into it's first ever Super Bowl appearance. You're welcome Cardinals. However, Pittsburgh has more fans and sells more shirts. This explains why the Dolphins' talisman's powers failed the Cardinals. Sorry Arizona you did everything right except be the Arizona Cardinals.

SB XLIV: TBD. However let's look at who's left. Dallas at Minnesota. Miami didn't play either of them so don't plan on seeing a fifth appearance by Minnesota or a ninth appearance by Dallas. Favre can go back to hawking Wrangler jeans and making teary eyed press conferences. Arizona at New Orleans. In perhaps the second greatest choke job next to New England's fantastic failure at the Super Bowl New Orleans rallied from behind to beat the Dolphins 46 to 34. New Orleans is a very strong candidate to win it all. Plus the have voodoo on their side. You really wanna mess around with that shit? So are Indianapolis and San Diego. Colts railed from behind like the Saints. And the Chargers beat Miami and knocked out their qb for the season.
Sorry Baltimore, you will not make the cut because Miami was not on your schedule. And the NFL says be happy you won title in 2000. You are lucky to have a franchise and not a museum (Not my thoughts but those of former substitute teacher Paul Tagliabue.See my upcoming blog on how the NFL fucks Baltimore more than a town fluzie). However I am pretty confident you would of had your way with them this season. And finally the New York Jets. You were swept by the Dolphins this season. You see you have to beat the Dolphins to win a Super Bowl. So you'll have to get some more mileage out of that one fucking game you are famous for. NO SUPER BOWL FOR YOU! Your drought will continue. But don't feel too bad. You can sit right next to us on the couch and watch some other team win it all again.