You Can't Handle the Truth!

How many of you are sick and tired of the uneducated, band wagon hopping, sports fan? I detest them so much I would like to smash a beer bottle over their head and slash their throat. Then go out for a nice calzone.

I guess the days of being loyal to one team are over. With the internet and NFL Sunday Ticket, it's easy to be out of state and follow your "favorite" team. Unfortunately, nobody seems to follow the local teams where I live. And the ones I've come across are fair weather fans. I've never really cared who was a fan of what team, all I cared about is that you stick with that team. For example, where I live I have seen fans for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, Jacksonville Jaguars (soon to be Los Angeles' problem) and the Miami Dolphins. Depending on how any one of these three teams finishes, you will only see one of them being supported come playoff time. If they even make the playoffs.

However, this is not likely this season. But the majority of these assholes carry shirts for all three teams in their closet. Conveniently putting on the front running team's shirt and boasting about how they ruuuuulllllllleeeeee! They even go as far as putting those flags on their cars like they are a fucking diplomat. Fuck off! Ever heard of Ricky Bell? Bucs fans? How about Donald Igwebuike? No? Hey Jags fans....who fucking cares…there hasn't been a Jags fan around here since 1999. Oh and Dolphin fans, there have been a lot of other players besides Dan Marino, none quite as good, but others. In other words, learn about your damn team! Besides jerking off to porn and buying useless shit on the internet you can actually learn some shit. Hmmm some Spankwire sounds good about now.....

I'm going through the 32 teams in my head and trying to recall if I have met a "real" fan from each of those franchises. One that I was particularly curious of was Arizona Cardinal Fans. Ever seen one? It's like spotting Big Foot. I was at one of the local theme parks the night before the Super Bowl 43. Steeler nation was in full effect. But for every 17 Steeler fans (which I was very suspect of. Can you say band wagon?) I would see there would be one unicorn, AKA an Arizona Cardinal fan. Holy Shit, they really exist! I thought the next thing I would see would be Nessy, the tooth fairy and Santa. Fuck taking pictures with the characters! Take one with one of these Cardinal fans! When will you ever see all 10 of these Cardinal fans mass together like this again? When does Haley's Comet come back?

But being a fan of the Dolphins, I have encountered a lot of shit from Jets fans. Jets fans have always been loud, obnoxious and overly confident. They are as loyal as the team’s record. They will root for the Giants once their season went in the toilet. Bills fans were pretty obnoxious too in the early 90's. Funny how the media always portrayed them as so loyal. However, I do recall the fans dressed as snow when Buffalo really sucked during the Fred Smerlis, Joe Ferguson and Joe Cribbs days.

Dolphin’s fans are not totally free of blame either. Miami can be very Los Angeles like in their support. It's a see and be seen town. If they are on Monday night the fans come out of the wood work. Sporting their overly laundered Irving Fryar jersey from 1994. And still hoping Marino comes back for one more season. Wake up and smell the Nutra System! He retired! Stop bringing him up and the fucking 72 team for that matter. Move on! Yeah there hasn't been much to cheer about in 15 or so years but damn it get some new shit would ya!!!???

And now I focus my attention on the new budding annoyances of football. Patriots fans. I was actually happy for the Pats when they beat the Rams in Super Bowl XXXVI. I was sick of hearing the media sucking the Rams' dicks about how unstoppable they were, and whether or not they cheated (what team doesn't steal signals, so all of you get over that too). You have to admit the Pats smacked the shit out of them. Look, the New England Patriots were a shitty franchise for the longest time. Their prior two Super Bowl appearances were disasters. I understood the euphoria with the first win. I was even congratulating these "fans" that I met. But don't forget Pat fans, if it wasn't for Drew Bledsoe almost losing a lung this dynasty might not ever of happened.

Most Pat fans I have met only know the recent history of the franchise. Ask one who is John Smith? Or John Hannah? No, he's not related to Miley Cyrus. Out of a hundred or so "Patriot fans" I have met only two really stand out in my mind as being legit fans. They were respectable and not big whiners like most Boston fans I have met. Sure they would gripe like any of us if their team lost. But they were never, the sky is falling, like the rest of you wanna bees I have met.

The problem I see with the modern day Boston fan is they let the success of the three Super Bowls, two World Series and one NBA Championship fuck with them bad. Oh, and Ray Bourque getting a Stanley Cup with Colorado. I understand the frustration of these fans, there were some long droughts. But let's be honest Boston, the Pats were an afterthought. Nobody gave a fuck about that franchise. The Red Sox and the Celtics are more your passion, which had been dominated for years by other teams. But most notably teams from the city of New York! The Yankees in particular. "New York is full of assholes. They are the evil empire. They are fucks!" Hmmmm. Seems like everybody calls your football team that now. To me, Pat fans are wanna be New Yorkers. They want to be as successful as a franchise like the Yankees, yet they can't handle the pressure like a New York fan. As soon as shit goes wrong for Boston fan the whining and crying start and how everybody is conspiring against them.

Basicly what I'm saying is not everybody is going to like your team. Some might down right loathe them. But have some fucking backbone and stick by them. I might say a lot of shit about my own team but no way in hell would I drop them and go to where the grass maybe greener. I will never become like one of these pathetic little weasels of a bandwagon fan I so vehemently disgust! I wish that all bandwagon fans get some sort of VD!

I Need an Intervention!

I'm still in a bit of a haze from the bed shitting the Miami Dolphins did this past Monday night. I haven't been furious like that over a game in a long time. I know they are 2 and 2 and it's only a month into the season. But do you honestly think they can crawl out of this ditch they have dug for themselves? Besides the Dolphins of the early 70's when have you seen this franchise really come through? They basicly have to win their remaining 12 games. News flash folks. We're the 2010 Miami Dolphins. Not the 07 Patriots or the 72 Dolphins. No way in hell it's happening.

But 2010 seemed like it was going to be different. The Dolphins actually went out after some big time free agents. Not like the past where they would get a big name who was on his last legs. Nothing more than a wing and a prayer to hopefully put butts in the seats.They brough in some coaches with clout. A quarterback who shows promise (calm down assholes he's only played 17 games!) But no matter how much things have changed in the Miami Dolphins it always remains the same.

I've been in an abusive relationship with these motherfuckers since I was 10 years old. Times were good then. The Dolphins were courting me. They brought me flowers and said all the right things. They wooed me. They used to put the Jets, Patriots, Colts and Bills (Original AFC East kids) in their place when they would insult me. They even went as far as defending my honor to the Jets in the 82 AFC Championship Game. Only to break my heart the first time on January 30,1983.Super Bowl XVII (17).

But like most abused spouses I believed their bullshit. The Dolphins got romantic with me and tried once again to rekindle our relationship. They drafted one of the greatest qb's of all time. Dan Marino. Once again I am swept off my feet by this franchise. Only to have to clean the shit from the bed when the 49ers dry fucked my ass in Super Bowl XIX (19 for you Roman numeral challenged). And since then it has been nothing but empty promises from you fucking bastards.

All through the 80's and 90's you would get so close only to fuck it all up in the end. Every time there is a fucking opportunity for you to shine you shit the bed instead. You whoop the juggernaut 85 Bears. But choke to a wild card Patriot team in the AFC Championship game in January of 86. (My last time seeing a game in the Orange Bowl). Then in the late 80' to early 90's you do what you are famous for. Being mediocre at best! Lots of .500 or just below seasons. Then in the early 90's you show some fight only to get beat by a division rival you used to push around. The Buffalo Bills. So what do you do Miami Dolphins? You just lay down and spread your legs like a fucking whore and take having a train run on you by the Bills!

But again and again I forgive you and still support your fucking worthless ass. Only to be let down season after season. Why do I stay with you? Why do I keep thinking this could be the year. Only to have to watch franchises that have never even had a whiff of the post in season in their history make it and win the fucking Super Bowl! It's been 37 seasons and counting since you brought Tiffany (unofficial name of the Lombardi trophy)home! The trophy has been here, but plenty of other teams have gone home with it. I bet the remaining franchises who have never been to a Super Bowl will win one before the Dolphins!

Year after year in the 2000's it was all about mortgaging the future to win it all. Only to leave the cupboard bare for the future. But even after coaching changes, personal changes and even new ownership you still continue to disappoint. All you do is shit the bed season after season. How is it the New Orleans Saints who lost about everything 5 years ago make it to two NFC title games and a fucking Super Bowl win!?!? And what the fuck do you guys have to show for it? Oh yeah you hosted them! You made a fucking South Beach club out of the end zone. Well I guess you do need some sort of distraction from all the bed shitting. And you parade around countless celebrities on a fucking orange carpet. And play these corny fight songs. Hey nobody gives a fuck assholes! I don't recall the Steelers,Colts, Ravens or fucking Patriots for that matter doing these dog and pony show gimmicks to win fans. They just win! You ought to change the logo and name of the franchise. Call us the Miami Blue Balls. Get rid of the Dolphin and just put a swollen pair of balls on the side of the helmet. You guys are nothing more than a fucking cocktease!

I've had enough of this fucking bullshit Miami Dolphins. I'm tired of being the abused housewife. I'm about to call Hoarders and Intervention for you. You need some clinical fucking help! How going 1 and 15 has not shaken the foundations of this franchise to its core is beyond me. The problem is we are fucking lemmings that blindly follow you. We blindly follow your bullshit day and night. Hoping and praying that this year will be our year! Well guess what? Dream On! It's never going to happen Dolphin fans. We will never ever see this franchise do a God damn thing but make us penniless and insane!

Wake the fuck up Miami Dolphins! You will never be relevant in the NFL. All you will ever be is brought up when some team goes undefeated. Or if somebody tries a fake spike play. Or whenever a team totally collapses on Monday night it will be compared to 2 of the biggest fuck ups in Monday Night Football history! Isn't that something to be proud of for generations to come!?!? All we are is a punch line! But none the less Miami Dolphins you are who I thought you were. ALL FUCKING TALK!