The road to Super Bowl XLIV not only goes through Miami it also stops there. First off I hope I am not taken to court over using the word Super Bowl. The NFL has a moratorium on the use of that word. Pompous assholes! But if you want to make it to the Super Bowl (ooh I said it again!) you have to play the Miami Dolphins.
In my oh so non scientific research I conducted, I discovered that the past four Super Bowls' contestants have one thing in common. They all played the Miami Dolphins during the regular season. So Dolphin fans take pride that you are the most unselfish team. Putting others before yourselves. Let's take a quick review of my data that has led me to believe how our generosity has led other teams to the promised land.
SB XLI: Colts 29 Bears 17. Dolphins beat Bears 31 to 13. Lose to Colts 22 to 27. The Colts win over Miami allows Peyton to overcome his choking difficulties and make him into a Super Bowl champion.
SB XLII: Giants 17 Patriots 14. In probably one of the greatest Super Bowls ever played the New York Giants give the Dolphins the greatest gift of all. Preserving all we have to hang on to as fans. The 17-0 season. The Giants beat Miami that season 13 to 10 in London (don't get me started on how fucking retarted it is to play NFL games outside the US). And of course the Patriots sweep the Phins on their way to probably the biggest choke job next to the Latrell Sprewell/P.J. Carlisimo incident.
SB XLIII: Pittsburgh 27 Arizona 23. Miami only played one of these teams in 2008. The Cardinals. They whipped Miami 31 to 10. That whipping made history. Vaulting Arizona into it's first ever Super Bowl appearance. You're welcome Cardinals. However, Pittsburgh has more fans and sells more shirts. This explains why the Dolphins' talisman's powers failed the Cardinals. Sorry Arizona you did everything right except be the Arizona Cardinals.
SB XLIV: TBD. However let's look at who's left. Dallas at Minnesota. Miami didn't play either of them so don't plan on seeing a fifth appearance by Minnesota or a ninth appearance by Dallas. Favre can go back to hawking Wrangler jeans and making teary eyed press conferences. Arizona at New Orleans. In perhaps the second greatest choke job next to New England's fantastic failure at the Super Bowl New Orleans rallied from behind to beat the Dolphins 46 to 34. New Orleans is a very strong candidate to win it all. Plus the have voodoo on their side. You really wanna mess around with that shit? So are Indianapolis and San Diego. Colts railed from behind like the Saints. And the Chargers beat Miami and knocked out their qb for the season.
Sorry Baltimore, you will not make the cut because Miami was not on your schedule. And the NFL says be happy you won title in 2000. You are lucky to have a franchise and not a museum (Not my thoughts but those of former substitute teacher Paul Tagliabue.See my upcoming blog on how the NFL fucks Baltimore more than a town fluzie). However I am pretty confident you would of had your way with them this season. And finally the New York Jets. You were swept by the Dolphins this season. You see you have to beat the Dolphins to win a Super Bowl. So you'll have to get some more mileage out of that one fucking game you are famous for. NO SUPER BOWL FOR YOU! Your drought will continue. But don't feel too bad. You can sit right next to us on the couch and watch some other team win it all again.
