The Best Little Whorehouse in Miami Gardens.

It saddens me to make this comparison. But, Joe Robbie Stadium (I don't acknowledge any other names it's been called) is a total whorehouse. Not that I am disparaging whorehouses, they serve a wonderful purpose for the sexually challenged. But they do go out of their way to cater to the discriminating tastes of their Johns errrrr ahem clients.

How dare I sully the House that Joe built you say!?!? I apologize but the truth more than a dry ass fucking. Let's face it, our media mogul owner who has brought you the orange carpet, countless "Dancing With the Stars" worthy celebrity partners, a fucking "Night a the Roxbury" worthy douchebag hive of a club in the end zone, late starts to make it a more fan friendly experience and the cherry on top of the fucking sundae of a hot mess this franchise is in.....honoring a COLLEGE teams' fucking championship at a "PROFESSIONAL" (I use that term very loosely with these guys) football event. And such a stroke of luck that the starting qb for the Broncos also happened to be the starting qb for that collegiate team! Fuck he got two girls at once and can go bareback treatment!

Seriously Stephen, you totally have sold out for some cash this past Sunday. I hope you use that windfall of blood money towards improving what's on the field than what houses the team. I think it's perfectly acceptable to honor high school teams from South Florida and past Dolphin teams. But a college team that has more followers than your "professional" franchise! UF is quite capable of honoring it's own. Not only have you sullied the house that Robbie built, but you also have pissed on the hospice that Charlie Hough came to rest in! The roost of the fledgling FAU Hooters and most importantly the UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU's home field too.

Obviously he did it for the money. The man's no dummy. Being an NFL owner is a license to print money. Damn put a beat behind that line. Might of been influenced by "Rappers Delight" playing in the background. But a bit of advice about sports fans in South Florida. They are VERY, and I mean VERY FICKLE! Dolling the stadium up is a great idea. Seriously, it is. The party atmosphere he wants works for football. However you need a team. Look at the attendance of the other 3 major franchises.

Prior to the Heat getting Dwayne Wade, most Heat fans dressed as yellow seats in the Triple A. It took World Series appearances for the Marlins to get any butts in the seats besides when the Mets come to town. And did you know you have a hockey team? Really you do. But after 96 they got put on the shelf deep in the kitchen closet next to the menagerie of late night tv kitchen gadgets you've used once! But what do they all have in common? You will be forgotten about if you don't start winning!

Who the fuck in the pr department snowed you that honoring UF would be a great idea? I take that back. You must have known all along this season was going to suck, and you had to make up your loses. Damn you are fucking smart. Fickle fans breed bandwagoners. So here's how your Tebowmania starts. But guess what Steve, bad times are a commin, and you are about to reap what you done don't sew.

We need to upgrade the ho's Steve. We need a featured dancer. Some girls that give you just a little bit extra in the friction room. And a madam that knows how to whip these cunty little bitches into whores! Because if you don't, your beautiful whorehouse will be just another foreclosure in the 305!

Drink for Your Sanity!

So after 5 weeks I have to finally break my silence on the 2011 NFL season. First of all I am very surprised we are even having a season. I didn't think that game of chicken would ever end. So for some of you it's a great thing it had ended. For me, I wish the lockout was still going on.

Every year I tell myself not to have any expectations. All your going to do is aggravate yourself when they fall short....AGAIN! So what do I do? You guessed it. Completely lose my shit over the New England game. However this would be the first and last time I would do this in 2011.

It's not like I have money on the line or I actually play for them. But why do I let myself get sucked into each season? Like it's going to be different from the last season. The Dolphins are like an 80's horror movie. You already know what the outcome is going to be. And the Dolphins play the role of the dumb co-ed that runs upstairs and locks themselves in the bathroom. In other words they are a guilty pleasure to watch.

Now after my blow up I have decided to treat the Dolphin games like a bad reality show. They are a train wreck that I cannot take my eyes off of. I am now watching every game to see how many ways you can epically fail each week. And get blinding drunk. Let's face it Dolfans, we are the Chicago Cubs of football. Even though it hasn't been 100 years since the last title for Cubs fans, it sure feels like 100 years for Dolphin fans. Face it, our team is like a hot chic with an ugly face. And ironically to watch the Dolphins and fuck that hot chic, both require a paper bag over someone's face. The Dolphins are not a priority for this owner. I'm sure one of his advisers told him it would be a great investment to own an NFL club. The said look at the Bidwell's (Cardinals), Browns (Bengals) and until recently the Ford's (Lions). Bench marks of futility. They manage to trot out the same shit season after season, but still keep just enough interest to make a profit. It's a license to print money owning a team. Our Dolphins are now one of those teams. There is nothing, not even Morgan Freeman creating an artificial tail, that is going to save these Dolphins. I've been telling myself since the lockout ended, football is purely a day for me to over eat and drink. Have no expectations. Just enjoy a day to binge.

Speaking of binging, that brings up how I will make it easier and less memorable for you to watch the remaining "games" this season. In order to stomach this years squad, I have developed a drinking game to hold your attention and hopefully lower your blood pressure. First of all you must use shots of alcohol for this. Don't be a pussy and drink some shitty domestic beer. Jaeger, tequila, whiskey, 151 rum are appropriate. The stronger the better. You will thank me later after you pass out and miss these abortions they are televising.

Here are the rules:

1.) Any turnovers by the Dolphins is a shot. If Henne (or whomever else is the QB) throws a pick, 2 shots. Fumbles are worth one.

2.) Since the defense has been getting chewed up by tight ends this season, a shot for every huge gain the opposing teams' TE makes on us.

3.) Field goals are worth one shot. If Sporano is shown fist pumping the field goal a second shot.

4.) 1,2,3 and outs by the offense is a shot.

5.) Any penalties against the Dolphins, a shot.

6.) Any failed replay challenge is a shot.

7.) Anytime the QB for the Dolphins is sacked or the line fails to open any holes for the running back, a shot.

8.) If the other team scores, a shot.

9.) Any dropped pass by Brandon Marshall is worth two shots.

10.) Any time one of the umpteenth celebrity owners of the Dolphins gets any camera time, mentioning of the orange carpet or the club in the endzone 2 shots.

Now these rules are not set in stone. If you can come up with more way to get you to blow a .008 have at it. My advise to you Dolphin fans is hit Total Wine and stock up like a hurricane is coming. Have pillow and blankie ready, because you will not be awake by the start of the 2nd quarter. Which might not be a bad thing. You will wake up refreshed and have no memory of what you witnessed 4 hours ago. It's like you were paid a visit from the Men in Black. Which is exactly what we are going to need by the end of this season to forget this shit. Bottom's up Dolphin fans!