The Battle for Los Angeles

Week 6, St. Louis Rams vs. Jacksonville Jaguars. This is one of those games I have said is the reason why you pay all this money to Direct TV. For the right to watch two of the worst franchises in NFL at this moment. Funniest thing about it is I had to watch it on a laptop. It was blacked out in the area I live. See when you give Direct TV your life's blood to watch football they give you access to watch live NFL games on the internet. To me watching Jags games is the same as slowing down to see the carnage on the side of the road after a car accident. Morbid curiosity.

So where I live the NFL has designated my viewing area Jacksonville's domain. Ridiculous as far as I am concerned. Basicly the NFL screwed up giving the armpit of Florida a franchise and now I am forced to support them. So where I live is the welfare office for the Jaguars. Along with watching them we receive WIC checks and food stamps. Look putting a team in Jacksonville was a huge mistake. I have no sympathy for the owner of the Jaguars. What kind of bullshit is that they can tarp sections of the stadium so they can get a sell out? You think the NFL allows the other 31 franchises to do that? What kind of blackmail does Wayne Weaver have on NFL that he can pull this shit? All I know is I am forced to watch every coma worthy road game of theirs! And now rumors are swirling in the white trash belt that they may move to Los Angeles. Swimming pools, movie stars. I can see Uncle Jed right now driving whatever the hell that car was out to Californee with old Wayne the Whiner Weaver in Grannie's rocking chair!

As for the Rams, I really don't know a whole hell of a lot if the fan support is or isn't there. I can tell you here in FL the Jags are not on a lof of people's Christmas' lists. The thing with me about the Rams is I have never been able to accept them in St. Louis. Maybe if they did like Cleveland and Houston when they went to new markets and changed the name completely. And if my aunt had balls she'd be my uncle. Let's face it neither one of these should of happened.

I say we have a swap when the Rams' lease expires. The NFL has a priopisim (fancy word for a hard on) for putting a team in Los Angeles. Let's move the Rams back to L.A. and stick the bastard step child Jaguars in St. Louis. Also know as the foster home for wayward NFL Franchises. Neither one of those makets should give a shit what team they have. Just as long as they have one. Look L.A. is no stranger to celebrity divorce and reconciliation. Makes sense to me to have the Rams come back. We could call the new home for the Rams Liz Taylor Stadium. See Liz Taylor (oh just Wikipedia her if you don't know who the fuck she is!).

And St. Louis look do you really give a shit about football? You guys are a baseball town. Football is just something to kill time when the Red Birds' season ends. (Cue Sarah Maclaughlin music) Please give these abused Jaguars a good home. Nobody in the armpit of Florida gives a shit about them. They haven't been fed or bathed in months. They would be happy with any stadium. They are used to perfoming for small crowds and underacheiving. Which you should all be used to seeing since Super Bowl 36. Please St. Louis take these Jags before they have endure that long walk to the end of the shelter for the big sleep.

The Cybilnatti Bengals!

Here we are week six of the NFL season. Once again I let the Cincinnati Bengals take advantage of me like a hot broad under sedation in a dentist's office. So let's review how they have gotten their sticky fingers in my pants.

First of all I pick games at home against myself. What the hell kind of gambler am I? A shitty one. I'm not a big gambler. I like to just root against teams because I can. I hate having to be some team's whore over money. I'm my own self made whore thank you very much! I just like to see if I am smarter than the TV talking heads. When there is no money on the line I am Brandon Lange in Two for the Money. When money changes hands my pics turn into those of a degenerate chain smoking gambler who sits in the Sanford dog track watching the trotter's simulcast from Pompano Park.

Week 1: Broncos at Bengals. Weel 1 games are a pick em. You can't really rely on the pre season stats or the yenta fest of NFL insider gossip comming from team's training camps. The Bengals and Broncos both were predicted to be worth about as much of a truckload of dead rat at a tampon factory. So I pick the lesser of two eviles. The Bengals. It looked like the Bengals were going to pull it of and Denver scores and the broadcaster sounded he was having a red hot poker put up his poop schute. The anestheia is starting to take effect......

Week 2: Bengals at Packers. The Packers really didn't whip da Bears (I hate using that expression but if I want to make it big in the blog world I better learn to us the trendy buzzwords of popular culture) but still won. The Bengals blew it against the Broncos. The Broncos who were supposed to be so maligned found a way (a lucky way) to beat the Bengals. Well obviously the bad mojo from that game became good mojo for Cincy. I felt the Bengals won on purpose to spite me for picking against them. I am getting more relaxed. Giggly. Easily talked into things....

Week 3: Steelers at Bengals. Fuck You Bengals. You fucked me over last week! And you're not doing it 2 weeks in a row! Shit heads! The Steelers are going to show you what happens when you play the current league champs. This is where the impulse pick comes in to play. I completely forgot the fact that when it's a division game you sometimes have to throw every statistic out the window. Well except if the Bills or Lions are in your division. But none the less Pittsburgh should kick their ass. Nope! Damn Bengals kick me square in the nuts again. Well not so much of a kick but rememeber how I said I could be talked into things easily? Well by picking Pittsburgh that game is the same as you trusting the dentist when he tells you it's a good idea to take your pants down and put your feet in the sirrups while getting a flouride treatment......

Week 4: Bengals at Browns. There is no way I am picking Cleveland! The Browns taking Mangini is such a rebound marriage! He had that one wet dream of a season with the Jets. Mangini is the bastard love child from a grudge fuck Belicheck had with a staffer years ago. This explains the no hand shake between them after games. The Bengals give me a break but not a cost. This is the equivalent of wakeing up in time to only delay my dirty dentist from an oral probing.

Week 5: Bengals at Ravens. With the salty taste of my dentist's flouride treatment in my mind there is no way I will swallow another load (even though that I was thrilled they won for pics sake) I figured there was no way they would beat Baltimore. Well history reapeats itself and was I not taking notes in class that day. Bengals win in typical fashion. Remeber that oral probing they were working on last week? As Eminem said in the song "Shake That" the dentist tells me "I'm a menace, a dentist, an oral hygienist. Open your mouth for about four or five minutes. Take a little bit of this fluoride rinse swish but don't spit it, swallow and I'll finish........."

Week 6: Texans at Bengals. The Cybil Bowl. Two teams you can't figure who is going to show up. But after swallowing the salty filthy load the week before I was becoming a submissive to my master Benagls and pick them to beat the even more Cybil like Texans. As soon as my eyes closed again the dentist goes for the butthole and I wake up sore and sticky. That's what I get for drinking your damn Kool Aid Cincinnati! And you put a roofey it. Serves me right for dressing this way! I was asking for it. Bengals at Bears? Calgone take me away!