Here we are week six of the NFL season. Once again I let the Cincinnati Bengals take advantage of me like a hot broad under sedation in a dentist's office. So let's review how they have gotten their sticky fingers in my pants.
First of all I pick games at home against myself. What the hell kind of gambler am I? A shitty one. I'm not a big gambler. I like to just root against teams because I can. I hate having to be some team's whore over money. I'm my own self made whore thank you very much! I just like to see if I am smarter than the TV talking heads. When there is no money on the line I am Brandon Lange in Two for the Money. When money changes hands my pics turn into those of a degenerate chain smoking gambler who sits in the Sanford dog track watching the trotter's simulcast from Pompano Park.
Week 1: Broncos at Bengals. Weel 1 games are a pick em. You can't really rely on the pre season stats or the yenta fest of NFL insider gossip comming from team's training camps. The Bengals and Broncos both were predicted to be worth about as much of a truckload of dead rat at a tampon factory. So I pick the lesser of two eviles. The Bengals. It looked like the Bengals were going to pull it of and Denver scores and the broadcaster sounded he was having a red hot poker put up his poop schute. The anestheia is starting to take effect......
Week 2: Bengals at Packers. The Packers really didn't whip da Bears (I hate using that expression but if I want to make it big in the blog world I better learn to us the trendy buzzwords of popular culture) but still won. The Bengals blew it against the Broncos. The Broncos who were supposed to be so maligned found a way (a lucky way) to beat the Bengals. Well obviously the bad mojo from that game became good mojo for Cincy. I felt the Bengals won on purpose to spite me for picking against them. I am getting more relaxed. Giggly. Easily talked into things....
Week 3: Steelers at Bengals. Fuck You Bengals. You fucked me over last week! And you're not doing it 2 weeks in a row! Shit heads! The Steelers are going to show you what happens when you play the current league champs. This is where the impulse pick comes in to play. I completely forgot the fact that when it's a division game you sometimes have to throw every statistic out the window. Well except if the Bills or Lions are in your division. But none the less Pittsburgh should kick their ass. Nope! Damn Bengals kick me square in the nuts again. Well not so much of a kick but rememeber how I said I could be talked into things easily? Well by picking Pittsburgh that game is the same as you trusting the dentist when he tells you it's a good idea to take your pants down and put your feet in the sirrups while getting a flouride treatment......
Week 4: Bengals at Browns. There is no way I am picking Cleveland! The Browns taking Mangini is such a rebound marriage! He had that one wet dream of a season with the Jets. Mangini is the bastard love child from a grudge fuck Belicheck had with a staffer years ago. This explains the no hand shake between them after games. The Bengals give me a break but not a cost. This is the equivalent of wakeing up in time to only delay my dirty dentist from an oral probing.
Week 5: Bengals at Ravens. With the salty taste of my dentist's flouride treatment in my mind there is no way I will swallow another load (even though that I was thrilled they won for pics sake) I figured there was no way they would beat Baltimore. Well history reapeats itself and was I not taking notes in class that day. Bengals win in typical fashion. Remeber that oral probing they were working on last week? As Eminem said in the song "Shake That" the dentist tells me "I'm a menace, a dentist, an oral hygienist. Open your mouth for about four or five minutes. Take a little bit of this fluoride rinse swish but don't spit it, swallow and I'll finish........."
Week 6: Texans at Bengals. The Cybil Bowl. Two teams you can't figure who is going to show up. But after swallowing the salty filthy load the week before I was becoming a submissive to my master Benagls and pick them to beat the even more Cybil like Texans. As soon as my eyes closed again the dentist goes for the butthole and I wake up sore and sticky. That's what I get for drinking your damn Kool Aid Cincinnati! And you put a roofey it. Serves me right for dressing this way! I was asking for it. Bengals at Bears? Calgone take me away!
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