The Perfect Storm

Here we are Week 14. It's time for teams to separate themselves from the herd. A time of year where teams are fighting for their playoff lives. It usually makes for some compelling television. Especially in 1080p and 62 inches. All brought to you by Direct TV's NFL Sunday Ticket. Well except if you live where I do.

I live in the middle of Florida. So on any given Sunday I could watch all three teams. Well I watch every team but my local channels usually carry all of the states NFL franchises. This past Sunday however turned into the perfect storm for black outs. According to the NFL if a household is within in 150 miles of any NFL city there is the potential for your game to be blacked out. And as some of you may or may not know all games must be sold out 72 hours prior to kickoff. Now with that in mind The Jacksonville Jaguars, the NFL's version of a red headed bastard step child has some of the worst attendance this season. Well except for Cleveland and Detroit. But those teams have hit rock bottom. So it's understandable. However Jacksonville is in contention for a playoff spot and they still draw dick!

As I mentioned before I bought the NFL Sunday ticket. When you purchase the ticket you can watch pretty much every NFL game. There are blocks of channels on the Sunday Ticket package where you select the game you want to watch. Usually you can see all but two games in these blocks. The two games you can't see are on your local channels. Except if you are in an area that has black out potential. Now normally I don't give a fuck if I ever see a Jacksonville game. As far as I'm concerned Jacksonville is not in the league, state, the United Sates or for that matter in the fucking world. But this particular Sunday I had a vested interest in those assholes. My team the Miami Dolphins were playing them. And playoff implications were on the line. Needless to say it was a big game. Well the perfect storm was building over the ocean.

So Miami was at Jacksonville. 1 PM kickoff. And cross state the Tampa Bay Buccaneers (NFC) were hosting the New York Jets (AFC) at 1PM. The only interest I had in that game was the Jets hopefully losing. Fat chance! The Suckaneers were back to their old ways and were hungry to take another loss in the ass. If you didn't know all AFC games are broadcast on CBS. All NFC games are broadcast on FOX. If an AFC team is playing at an NFC team CBS has the broadcast rights. If an NFC team like the Bucs were playing at an AFC team like the Jets in New York the game would have been televised on FOX. And since this is the perfect storm the game I wanted to watch was washed away to sea!

Prior to the 1995 expansion Orlando (where I live) would show all Miami Dolphins games. There was and for the most part still is a huge base of Dolphins fans here in Orlando. Along comes Jacksonville. My perfect viewing set up has been forever altered when this abortion of a franchise came to town. Any fan of the Fish must now buy a dish to put up with these fuckers. Our local CBS affiliate is obligated by the NFL to show ALL Jacksonville Jaguars road and home games. For the most part Jacksonville's home games are blacked out because nobody has given a shit about them since 1999. Now we are 150 miles away from this shithole of a town. A 2 hour drive! But the NFL considers Orlando a secondary television market. This means Jacksonville has such a small tv market that they need help form Orlando to populate its fan base. And unfortunately we have to see all their road games. And sometimes those road games conflict with Dolphin games. So no matter how good or important of a game the Dolphins may have if they are on at the same time as a Jaguar game that's on the road the Dolphins will be bumped. Normally with the NFL Sunday ticket this is not a problem. I would watch it on one of the Sunday ticket channels. But on this particular Sunday there was a wild card in the mix.

I knew the game wouldn't be a sell out because most of Jacksonville doesn't even know they have a team. So thanks to the Dolphins fans that went on the road this was the largest turn out for these sorry sacks of shit this season. But it wasn't enough for a sellout. So when they don't show Jags home games we are able to see the Dolphin game. Well stupid me forgot Tampa has a franchise too. And they just happen to be playing an AFC team. So that means they will bump the Dolphins because Orlando is also a secondary market for Tampa Bay. The storm has made landfall.

You would think with all the money the NFL bleeds from us fans we should be able to see every game no matter what. Not on this perfect storm of a Sunday. And not with these retarded viewing policies. At 1PM everything went black. And unfortunately it wasn't alcohol induced. This was the iron fist of the league and their ridiculous viewing policy. I did get to see the game. It was on a 15 inch computer screen. With the Sunday ticket you can also watch any NFL game over the internet. For some reason blackouts do not apply to the internet. So I got that going for me. But I have news for you NFL. Nobody has and will EVER give a fuck about the Jacksonville Jaguars.

A Look Inside the War Room

1:00 PM Great Phil Simms is calling the game. He's always a damn jinx.

1:07 PM Christ already a Brady to Moss td. Good they hit him and going to the locker room. How we did not get flagged? This should be considered a miracle by the Vatican.

1:10 PM Flipped over to NFL Game Mix Channel. From here on out we'll call it GMC. Watching 8 games at once. Funny seeing who doesn't make the cut to be on that channel. There are ten 1 PM games today. Today nobody gives a shit about Bucs/Panthers and Jags/Texans.

1:15 PM Another stellar offensive outing by the Phins.

1:20 God Phil Simms loves giving Brady fellatio! I mean he gets in his mouth and all the way down to his balls.

1:26 PM Flipped over to GMC. Christina Aguilara is doing Direct TV commercials now. Dancing With The Stars has to be around the corner.

1:29 PM Why do these assholes (Patriots) always have their best game when they play Phins at home?

1:30 PM Listening to Falcons/Eagles broadcast on GMC. Goose and Moose talking about turf toe. The flow of the conversation almost sounds like one of them is going to talk abot a case of explosive diahrea they had after eating at the Varsity.

1:32 PM Yay! Another Patriots touchdown! Doesn't that oooze with sarcasm?

1:37 PM Holy shit this is going to be a long day. Jim Nantz and Simms already going to their filler notes on Larry King calling Dolphins games.

1:41 PM Gotta love Bess(receiver for the Dolphins)! Can we please get this man a receiver's number? Something in the 80's. 15 is Earl Morral (fuck showing my age). I mean he looks like a guy that is still wearing his pre season number.

1:45 PM Mozeltoff! A touchdown. Earl Morral err um Devon Bess I meant!

2:14 PM My Speak and Spell pc crapped out. Had to get the paddles. CLEAR!

2:20 Love him or hate him you have to admire Belicheck's I don't give a fuck what combinations of shirts/hoodie I am wearing look.

2:24 Sims going to the fill banter on sounds of the ball being kicked.

2:26 Checking in on one of the elite 8 games on GMC. DET @ CIN. I have to be one of 12 people in America watching the Bengals kick a field goal against the Lions. This was the best out of the three headed shitty monster of games. DET/CIN, HOU/JAX and TB/CAR. With STL/CHI a close 4th. I think the qb's in that game are Pat Hayden vs. Vince Evans.

2:32 PM Flipped over to the Ronn Mexico Bowl(Eagles/Falcons). Or as our Spanish speaking friends say El Tazón de Ronn Mexico.

2:39 PM Back to aggravation. Looks like I took too big of a sip of the Titans Kool Aid. I had a hunch if IND loses it's 1st game it would of been to somebody in division. Not looking like it's this week.

2:42 PM Holy Shit! A HOU/JAX highlight.

2:46 PM Ouch! Hopefully the toast like smell of the Phins DB's will be less next season.

2:50 PM Hey a PI call Miami's way. Is it a sign. Should I attend church or buy lottery tickets?

2:58 PM WHO LET THE DOGS OUT!!!??? Vick scores in his own bowl game.

3:13 PM There might be some car door slamming in the streets of Miami tonight.

3:15 PM What the fuck is happening to the Steelers?

3:19 PM Man another blessing bestowed on Miami. Offensive PI on Patriots. I am feeling lucky. Hmmmm church, lottery ticket or asking for a blowy?

3:35 PM Ronn Mexico says VD (Vontae Davis you sickos rookie db on the Dolphins. I have no idea what you think I was implying. ;)) is not such a bad thing! Nice interception off of Brady to Moss!

3:40 PM Too nervous to write anything. I am afraid the keyboard has some talismans powers. If I touch it all the bad mojo will come out and jinx the Phins. Rocking back and forth like a mental patient. And no I do not discriminate against the insane. I have quite a few relatives with time shares in mental health facilities!

3:55 PM Jesus! I swear this game is aging me. Can we just end this shit please?

4:05 PM Glad for the lead but Brady and time are against us. As Winston Wolf said in Pulp Fiction "Let's not start sucking each other's dicks just yet!"

4:10 Wow Channing Crowder broke his cherry! 1st Interception. I thought it was Morlon Greewood picking that off (Don't worry if you don't know who he is. He was the last guy to wear that number and make an interception with it. Talking like 03 Dolphins) I love it! The Patriots are all fucking pouting. Take your ball and mish mash of Boston/New England Patriots hoodies back up north and stick it in the snow you fucking premadonnas!

4:15 PM Thank Christ that is over! XANAX me ASAP!

The Dingo vs The Daigo

I don't consider myslef an urbanite. And I sure as hell am not a country boy. I'm more of a suburbanite. I was born in New York City. However before I had a chance of becoming a Gindaloon (Racial slur for someone who's Italian) from Long Island we moved to the 6th borough. That's right the 6th. Manhattan, Staten Island, Queens, Brooklyn, Bronx and number 6. Broward County Florida.

You doubt Broward County is the 6th borough? Have you ever been down there? There is enough chest hair and gold chains for a Denny Terrio look alike contest. Broward County is where former North Easterners go to kneel out the 4th quarter of life.

I didn't live in New York long enought to tell you which Ray's pizza to go to or what train is the local and which one is the express. But I was there long enough to acquire the accent and attitude to possibly play Tony Danza if there was a Taxi remake. So with that picture painted for you of how uncountry I am let me tell you about my trip into the deep woods of Georgia.

So for Thanksgiving we went to Georgia to visit Mrs. Mexico's family. It's always a good time when we go for a visit. This trip was going to be a little diffrent. We stayed at a few of Mrs. Mexico's siblings houses. One of her sibs who's name will be withheld to protect the innocent lives deep in the sticks of Georgia. It's the type of place where you could dump a body and nobody would know. Come to think of it
Mrs. Mexico just raised my value on the life insurance.......

I also failed to mention where we were going it does not exist on our sissyfied city slicker GPS system. So we used some old fashioned navigation techniques. I was using a hand drawn map on a paper plate. I shit you not! Not only drawn on a paper plate but were given to me under a heavy dose of tequilia. Thanks be to the patron saint of maps that my cartographer( guy who reads maps) skills were keen this cold wet autum day.

So we see the entrance to the sub division. It's not what my suburban mind had pictured. It' looked more like 21st century homesteading. All that was missing was a praire schnooner, 40 acres and a mule. And the names of the "streets" (dirt roads barely wide enough for cars to pass) were Coyote Circle and Bobcat Way. They were named this because these animals live around there. I found this out later. My suburban ignoance led me to believe it was cute theme that most civilized suburbs do to name their streets.

It's actually very peacuful there. An oasis in a sea of redneck jokes. We settle in and hang out. Fabulous home cooked meal, some booze and a comfy place to sleep. Good times. However our dog made the trip with us and I had to take him outside for some relief. Prior to taking him outside, during dinner I ask my inlaws about the coyote sign in their back yard. I was told that they have deer (which I actually saw) and the occasional coyote come through the property. I was also told coyotes are respectful and have an order to them. It's the pack of wild dogs you need to be careful of. WHAT!!!!!????

Where the fuck am I? Coyotes live in the desert and buy shit online from Acme and kill roadrunners right? Or did they immigrate to Georgia because of the road runner fammine of Arizona and New Mexico? Either way I only want to see that mother fucker on tv. Oh I also have to mention the next door neighbor has a 10 foot ladder with a kitchen chair sitting up in the tree. I was thinking man this guy is still pissed over the Civil War. He has a look out still for the Union Army.

With all that in mind I now venture out into the Blair Witch like darkness that is Western Gerogia. As soon as I step outside I see what I thought was going to be the end of me and my dog. Like Brave Sir Robin in Monty Pyhton and the Holy Grail I "RUNAWAY!" I could of sworn it was a dingo! Or maybe a hyena. Whatever it was this city slicker was not going to go nose to nose. So like a chicken shit I retreat inside. I call for my sis in law and inquire about the dingo. "Oh that's Scraps!" Scraps is not a dingo? Or a wild dog? Or the chupacabra? No he was a sweet Benji looking dog that was quite affectionate. Not the rabid killer my suburbanite upbringing had painted him to be.

Friday The Jagerteenth!

Last Friday November 13, 2009 I was attacked by an intoxicant know as the German game master. I barely survived my brush with this superior woodsman. I am lucky to be alive. This ruthless licorice tasting siren seduced and betrayed me. I want to recount my horrifying brush with this atomic bomb of liquor. Hopefully my near death experience will help you avoid this predator.

It started out with excitement. It had been awhile since we've been out. I rushed home from work. Showered (it was Friday after all) and got dressed. I texted friends in anticipation of meeting them for a night of mirth. We tried to save a few dollars on shots by bringing our own. But little did we know the propellant we were bringing along was about to become extremely volatile and take full advantage of my innocence.

I met my friends at an upscale touristy location. My friends had a bit of a gleeful look in their eye. Little did I know, nor the little old ladies sitting next to us know they had already been seduced by this Northern European monster. I make a conservative choice and order a beer. So did all my accomplices. Well except one. She had no affinity for beer. But a lust for liquor. And soon I would discover, I would be cohered into the demons of this licorice elixir.

As I waited for my second round of beer I was cleverly inveigled to try this doorway potion. The cat and mouse foreplay went some thing like this..."Hey uh want a shot?" To which I bashfully said "SURE!!!!!" The bastard liquor crossed me with his cunning dialogue. I held the warm ( but should be consumed cold and suggests that it be kept in a freezer at –18°C (0°F) or on tap between –15° and –11°C (5° to 12°F)vessel inconspicuosly in my hand. I belted it down. Wincing at it's NyQuil like aura. I had entered the front door and was in the foyer of the devil's funhouse.

With beers finished we cunningly dispose of the bottles in those nice unsuspectingly little old ladies jacket. We move our caravan of shock and awe up stairs. In my head I can hear Jim Morrison singing "Oh show me the way to the next whiskey bar, oh don't ask why, oh don't ask why..... More beer and liquor for me hartties! And of course your little dark liquorice tasting friend if he's still around. Which of course he was..... One bottle is spilt amongst some friends, while the other that was passed my way is greedily guzzled. I am now in the evil clutches of this Dark Lord.

We are Oscar Mike! Up stairs to the mass transit device we go. To our next stop. A south seas location. As Douglas Nidermayer said in the great American cinema classic Animal House "We have received more than two dozen reports of individual acts of perversion SO profound and disgusting that decorum prohibits listing them here." Don't worry we will.

We find a table. Order some finger foods in hope of staving off the evils of our Norse master. Too late! Before the antidote of food could arrive, our revelers order something called "Sex With An Alligator." I must say I was enticed with the thought of bestiality. But then I realized it was the name of some sort of concoction that had that bastard in it. He shows up dressed in red. Oh my favorite color. How could I resist. We toast and it goes down easier than Hester Pryne. My friends seem to put up a struggle. They resist the temptation. I however am about to become the table's whore for this drink.

One by one my compatriots start passing their drinks to me. At first I try to put up a fight. Saying no. But as we all know, when you are being seduced no means yes. I became the pivot man in a circle jerk of shots. It was my bukkaki party and I'll cry if I want too! Then one of the revellers spouts off how hung I am do to my nationality. The the dishes and glasses are used for an impromptu Jenga game. Other patrons begin to scatter like roaches. Mother's were ear muffing their children. It was only a matter of time before security would descend on us.

I wound up being a complete whore. I drank everyone's alligators. Dirty dirty slut I am. We were laid on the way to the mass transit. Calm down they were flowers! However one of us I think was trying to turn this young man who laid us straight. We board the train and it's standing room only. One of our friends is really feeling it. Claiming their prowess with being able to do pull ups and somersaults on the handholds of the train. The Northern European miscreant was diligently at work on all of us.

We make it full circle and return to the beginning of the crime. We head to the top of the world for a night cap. I was there long enough to be tempted to lift a wine glass. Ahh another one for the collection. Quickly we get back into the elevator. Lots of looks of disgust from the other patrons. Ahh well, worth the price of admissions for that reaction.

Well how the hell do we get home? Fortunately the others were more clearheaded than me. We all pile into a car. Hope this one is ours! One of us was sober to drive. A quick 10 minute ride to another tavern. On the way some of the female revelers decide to wave to the other motorists through the sunroof. Then the interesting conversations begin. Topics such as exercise, beer and German pornography are discussed. Hmm they kind of go together.

We reach our last stop. Due to our clean living we get a spot up front. We all stumble in. This is the part of the night where things get sketchy. A side effect of this consumption are periods of blankness. I remember patronizing the waiter for his hat. Loud discussions on anal sex, Brazilian waxing and being asked to show tattoos on my legs. Then all of a sudden everybody got up from the table and left. Like a sheep I followed them all out. Not realizing you have to pay for all those drinks you ordered. I learned this when our waiter chased us for three blocks. I give him an autograph and staggered on home. Damn that was a fun night!

Um I guess it wasn't that bad of an experience. And that I was a consenting adult. And the way I was dressed I was asking to get that inebriated. Oh how I cried the next morning swearing I would never do that again. All along secretly wishing for another night of romance with licorice lover.

Network Executive For a Day

Holy shit guys. We are in some bad shape. No really we are. Most guys that watch football have some serious issues according to advertisers. Whether it's erectile dysfunction, poor stream, hair loss, heartburn or promoting shitty beer (funny thing is I think all of these are connected) they have some snake oil to sell you.

Well if the advertisers have already exposed our deficencies as nearing middle aged men that watch football, then let's go the whole nine yards with this. As I mentioned before, I think all of these commercials are connected. First off, we drink beer (and some really shitty tastelss beer) to get a little liquid courage to talk to some of the trim that frequents sports bars. Hold up a second! Would you ever talk to your doctor about erectile dysfunction? No! You would talk with your drunk buddy Smitty in the men's room stall. You're drunk talk is loud enough that the whole men's room hears Smitty say there is a guy he can call on the payphone, outside the bar, about hooking you up with some ED medicine. Sorry for going off track but we're guys and we are too fucking retarded to go the legal and safe way for hard on meds.

Ok we started with beer but I got ahead of myself. I was thirsty and wanted the DT's to stop. So here is how I would want the advertising line up to go. Did anyone else see the Reebok commercial with the chick with the nice ass? I think she was selling shoes, but who gives a shit! (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qCHKXICefFw) You lead off with that and it gets that inner stalker in all guys started. It sure makes you pay attention. Hey she is nagging me but is still paying attention to me! If I play my cards right, I could hook up with a cardio chic. Hmmmm. Tell me more o soothsayer.

Now we go to beer. Well, you're not quite yourself when you try to talk to extremely hot cardio chic. You need something to soothe your awkwarness. Ether! No, no commercials for Ether. But nothing glamorous about putting a wet rag of Ether over your face. But we need the ultimate equilizer. Jager! The modern day Ehter. Nope, no commercials for that either. Beer! Shitty beer, but, you do what you gotta do to have a chance to score. So you go ahead and risk a painful headache behind the eyes. You drink too much of the insert big internationally owned American beer comapny, to get a chance at sliding into the inverted triangle. And in your mind you are the clever guy from those commercials. However you are really yelling "Brady you're a cunt!" Boy that got her attention.

I said punt! No really I did. Fuck she's gone. Well what's behind door number two Monty? A goat! Fuck! I need Rosetta Stone for profanity. So we have a little too much beer. It's half time. A mad dash for the men's room and payphones to double up on bets. You run to the men's room, and all you see is the dreaded trough. No privacy. But the salty taste and the 6 year old pee pee dance you are doing makes you throw caution to the wind and pee. Hoping it's just shyness, and not a swollen prostate. Flowmax comes across the horizon. What a horrible name for a medicine that allows you to piss. But probably gives you the worst case of violent diarhea.

You run into Smitty. You compare notes on the trim situation. And complain of the eye ache you have from that 10 dollar bucket a beer. All the while the smell of somebdy's chicken nacho leftovers hangs in the air. But your a guy's guy. And nothing will take your mind off of the triangle. Not even some ass slapping stench. Smitty says getting laid will get rid of that headache. He tells you he knows a guy, who knows a guy, who was in the drunk tank with this guy that can get you some ED medicine. Make you last for hours incase you literally blow your load too early.

Now when we want this medicine the 1st thing that comes to mind is not what they advertise. A guy in his wedding day tux. A half ass jug band jamming in a road house. Then riding their bikes. Or you and a woman sitting in a bathtub out in the woods. Who the fuck came up with this shit!!!!??? And if you have an erection lasting more than four hours count your blessings! Use that thing till dust shoots out of it!

So Smitty's contact shows up. He makes the hand off. You pop this pill in the hopes it's going to bring you some mojo. However, today is just not your day. Smitty's contact has just slipped you the commercial they show late in the boradcast. Anti diarheal medicine. Now you are bound up tighter than an Asian woman's feet. Your doubled over and high pitched farting. Fucking Smitty!

We close our commercial with a camera shot of a pair of pants and underwear around the ankles.Praying for a release of a diffrent sort. One that will make you moan but with a diffrent sort of happy ending. Uttering the line "I can't believe I ate the whole thing!"

The Battle for Los Angeles

Week 6, St. Louis Rams vs. Jacksonville Jaguars. This is one of those games I have said is the reason why you pay all this money to Direct TV. For the right to watch two of the worst franchises in NFL at this moment. Funniest thing about it is I had to watch it on a laptop. It was blacked out in the area I live. See when you give Direct TV your life's blood to watch football they give you access to watch live NFL games on the internet. To me watching Jags games is the same as slowing down to see the carnage on the side of the road after a car accident. Morbid curiosity.

So where I live the NFL has designated my viewing area Jacksonville's domain. Ridiculous as far as I am concerned. Basicly the NFL screwed up giving the armpit of Florida a franchise and now I am forced to support them. So where I live is the welfare office for the Jaguars. Along with watching them we receive WIC checks and food stamps. Look putting a team in Jacksonville was a huge mistake. I have no sympathy for the owner of the Jaguars. What kind of bullshit is that they can tarp sections of the stadium so they can get a sell out? You think the NFL allows the other 31 franchises to do that? What kind of blackmail does Wayne Weaver have on NFL that he can pull this shit? All I know is I am forced to watch every coma worthy road game of theirs! And now rumors are swirling in the white trash belt that they may move to Los Angeles. Swimming pools, movie stars. I can see Uncle Jed right now driving whatever the hell that car was out to Californee with old Wayne the Whiner Weaver in Grannie's rocking chair!

As for the Rams, I really don't know a whole hell of a lot if the fan support is or isn't there. I can tell you here in FL the Jags are not on a lof of people's Christmas' lists. The thing with me about the Rams is I have never been able to accept them in St. Louis. Maybe if they did like Cleveland and Houston when they went to new markets and changed the name completely. And if my aunt had balls she'd be my uncle. Let's face it neither one of these should of happened.

I say we have a swap when the Rams' lease expires. The NFL has a priopisim (fancy word for a hard on) for putting a team in Los Angeles. Let's move the Rams back to L.A. and stick the bastard step child Jaguars in St. Louis. Also know as the foster home for wayward NFL Franchises. Neither one of those makets should give a shit what team they have. Just as long as they have one. Look L.A. is no stranger to celebrity divorce and reconciliation. Makes sense to me to have the Rams come back. We could call the new home for the Rams Liz Taylor Stadium. See Liz Taylor (oh just Wikipedia her if you don't know who the fuck she is!).

And St. Louis look do you really give a shit about football? You guys are a baseball town. Football is just something to kill time when the Red Birds' season ends. (Cue Sarah Maclaughlin music) Please give these abused Jaguars a good home. Nobody in the armpit of Florida gives a shit about them. They haven't been fed or bathed in months. They would be happy with any stadium. They are used to perfoming for small crowds and underacheiving. Which you should all be used to seeing since Super Bowl 36. Please St. Louis take these Jags before they have endure that long walk to the end of the shelter for the big sleep.

The Cybilnatti Bengals!

Here we are week six of the NFL season. Once again I let the Cincinnati Bengals take advantage of me like a hot broad under sedation in a dentist's office. So let's review how they have gotten their sticky fingers in my pants.

First of all I pick games at home against myself. What the hell kind of gambler am I? A shitty one. I'm not a big gambler. I like to just root against teams because I can. I hate having to be some team's whore over money. I'm my own self made whore thank you very much! I just like to see if I am smarter than the TV talking heads. When there is no money on the line I am Brandon Lange in Two for the Money. When money changes hands my pics turn into those of a degenerate chain smoking gambler who sits in the Sanford dog track watching the trotter's simulcast from Pompano Park.

Week 1: Broncos at Bengals. Weel 1 games are a pick em. You can't really rely on the pre season stats or the yenta fest of NFL insider gossip comming from team's training camps. The Bengals and Broncos both were predicted to be worth about as much of a truckload of dead rat at a tampon factory. So I pick the lesser of two eviles. The Bengals. It looked like the Bengals were going to pull it of and Denver scores and the broadcaster sounded he was having a red hot poker put up his poop schute. The anestheia is starting to take effect......

Week 2: Bengals at Packers. The Packers really didn't whip da Bears (I hate using that expression but if I want to make it big in the blog world I better learn to us the trendy buzzwords of popular culture) but still won. The Bengals blew it against the Broncos. The Broncos who were supposed to be so maligned found a way (a lucky way) to beat the Bengals. Well obviously the bad mojo from that game became good mojo for Cincy. I felt the Bengals won on purpose to spite me for picking against them. I am getting more relaxed. Giggly. Easily talked into things....

Week 3: Steelers at Bengals. Fuck You Bengals. You fucked me over last week! And you're not doing it 2 weeks in a row! Shit heads! The Steelers are going to show you what happens when you play the current league champs. This is where the impulse pick comes in to play. I completely forgot the fact that when it's a division game you sometimes have to throw every statistic out the window. Well except if the Bills or Lions are in your division. But none the less Pittsburgh should kick their ass. Nope! Damn Bengals kick me square in the nuts again. Well not so much of a kick but rememeber how I said I could be talked into things easily? Well by picking Pittsburgh that game is the same as you trusting the dentist when he tells you it's a good idea to take your pants down and put your feet in the sirrups while getting a flouride treatment......

Week 4: Bengals at Browns. There is no way I am picking Cleveland! The Browns taking Mangini is such a rebound marriage! He had that one wet dream of a season with the Jets. Mangini is the bastard love child from a grudge fuck Belicheck had with a staffer years ago. This explains the no hand shake between them after games. The Bengals give me a break but not a cost. This is the equivalent of wakeing up in time to only delay my dirty dentist from an oral probing.

Week 5: Bengals at Ravens. With the salty taste of my dentist's flouride treatment in my mind there is no way I will swallow another load (even though that I was thrilled they won for pics sake) I figured there was no way they would beat Baltimore. Well history reapeats itself and was I not taking notes in class that day. Bengals win in typical fashion. Remeber that oral probing they were working on last week? As Eminem said in the song "Shake That" the dentist tells me "I'm a menace, a dentist, an oral hygienist. Open your mouth for about four or five minutes. Take a little bit of this fluoride rinse swish but don't spit it, swallow and I'll finish........."

Week 6: Texans at Bengals. The Cybil Bowl. Two teams you can't figure who is going to show up. But after swallowing the salty filthy load the week before I was becoming a submissive to my master Benagls and pick them to beat the even more Cybil like Texans. As soon as my eyes closed again the dentist goes for the butthole and I wake up sore and sticky. That's what I get for drinking your damn Kool Aid Cincinnati! And you put a roofey it. Serves me right for dressing this way! I was asking for it. Bengals at Bears? Calgone take me away!