Last Friday November 13, 2009 I was attacked by an intoxicant know as the German game master. I barely survived my brush with this superior woodsman. I am lucky to be alive. This ruthless licorice tasting siren seduced and betrayed me. I want to recount my horrifying brush with this atomic bomb of liquor. Hopefully my near death experience will help you avoid this predator.
It started out with excitement. It had been awhile since we've been out. I rushed home from work. Showered (it was Friday after all) and got dressed. I texted friends in anticipation of meeting them for a night of mirth. We tried to save a few dollars on shots by bringing our own. But little did we know the propellant we were bringing along was about to become extremely volatile and take full advantage of my innocence.
I met my friends at an upscale touristy location. My friends had a bit of a gleeful look in their eye. Little did I know, nor the little old ladies sitting next to us know they had already been seduced by this Northern European monster. I make a conservative choice and order a beer. So did all my accomplices. Well except one. She had no affinity for beer. But a lust for liquor. And soon I would discover, I would be cohered into the demons of this licorice elixir.
As I waited for my second round of beer I was cleverly inveigled to try this doorway potion. The cat and mouse foreplay went some thing like this..."Hey uh want a shot?" To which I bashfully said "SURE!!!!!" The bastard liquor crossed me with his cunning dialogue. I held the warm ( but should be consumed cold and suggests that it be kept in a freezer at –18°C (0°F) or on tap between –15° and –11°C (5° to 12°F)vessel inconspicuosly in my hand. I belted it down. Wincing at it's NyQuil like aura. I had entered the front door and was in the foyer of the devil's funhouse.
With beers finished we cunningly dispose of the bottles in those nice unsuspectingly little old ladies jacket. We move our caravan of shock and awe up stairs. In my head I can hear Jim Morrison singing "Oh show me the way to the next whiskey bar, oh don't ask why, oh don't ask why..... More beer and liquor for me hartties! And of course your little dark liquorice tasting friend if he's still around. Which of course he was..... One bottle is spilt amongst some friends, while the other that was passed my way is greedily guzzled. I am now in the evil clutches of this Dark Lord.
We are Oscar Mike! Up stairs to the mass transit device we go. To our next stop. A south seas location. As Douglas Nidermayer said in the great American cinema classic Animal House "We have received more than two dozen reports of individual acts of perversion SO profound and disgusting that decorum prohibits listing them here." Don't worry we will.
We find a table. Order some finger foods in hope of staving off the evils of our Norse master. Too late! Before the antidote of food could arrive, our revelers order something called "Sex With An Alligator." I must say I was enticed with the thought of bestiality. But then I realized it was the name of some sort of concoction that had that bastard in it. He shows up dressed in red. Oh my favorite color. How could I resist. We toast and it goes down easier than Hester Pryne. My friends seem to put up a struggle. They resist the temptation. I however am about to become the table's whore for this drink.
One by one my compatriots start passing their drinks to me. At first I try to put up a fight. Saying no. But as we all know, when you are being seduced no means yes. I became the pivot man in a circle jerk of shots. It was my bukkaki party and I'll cry if I want too! Then one of the revellers spouts off how hung I am do to my nationality. The the dishes and glasses are used for an impromptu Jenga game. Other patrons begin to scatter like roaches. Mother's were ear muffing their children. It was only a matter of time before security would descend on us.
I wound up being a complete whore. I drank everyone's alligators. Dirty dirty slut I am. We were laid on the way to the mass transit. Calm down they were flowers! However one of us I think was trying to turn this young man who laid us straight. We board the train and it's standing room only. One of our friends is really feeling it. Claiming their prowess with being able to do pull ups and somersaults on the handholds of the train. The Northern European miscreant was diligently at work on all of us.
We make it full circle and return to the beginning of the crime. We head to the top of the world for a night cap. I was there long enough to be tempted to lift a wine glass. Ahh another one for the collection. Quickly we get back into the elevator. Lots of looks of disgust from the other patrons. Ahh well, worth the price of admissions for that reaction.
Well how the hell do we get home? Fortunately the others were more clearheaded than me. We all pile into a car. Hope this one is ours! One of us was sober to drive. A quick 10 minute ride to another tavern. On the way some of the female revelers decide to wave to the other motorists through the sunroof. Then the interesting conversations begin. Topics such as exercise, beer and German pornography are discussed. Hmm they kind of go together.
We reach our last stop. Due to our clean living we get a spot up front. We all stumble in. This is the part of the night where things get sketchy. A side effect of this consumption are periods of blankness. I remember patronizing the waiter for his hat. Loud discussions on anal sex, Brazilian waxing and being asked to show tattoos on my legs. Then all of a sudden everybody got up from the table and left. Like a sheep I followed them all out. Not realizing you have to pay for all those drinks you ordered. I learned this when our waiter chased us for three blocks. I give him an autograph and staggered on home. Damn that was a fun night!
Um I guess it wasn't that bad of an experience. And that I was a consenting adult. And the way I was dressed I was asking to get that inebriated. Oh how I cried the next morning swearing I would never do that again. All along secretly wishing for another night of romance with licorice lover.
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