Don't Worry....Be Happy :)

Brothers & Sisters,

Let us not be divided over our still warm corpse we call the 2011 Miami Dolphins. From lemons, we make lemonade? Every dark cloud has a silver lining? It's always darkest before the dawn? Turn that frown upside down? There's a chance it's not your baby? Her AIDS test might be wrong? Well, what ever your mantra is Dolphins fans, take solace that there are only three games left against division foes who are playing for blood money.

Take pride & comfort in the fact that once again, we have been the stepping stone for another team to reach the Super Bowl. Be thankful, once again you do not have to call your local travel agent (they still have jobs?) and book that flight to intoxicating Indianapolis in early Februrary. You get to be all warm & cozy AGAIN for the 27th season in a row watching someone else win yet ANOTHER NFL championship.

The sun'll come out tomorrow. Bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow there'll be sun! Just thinking about tomorrow clears away the cobwebs,and the sorrow, 'til there's none! When I'm stuck in a day that's gray, and lonely, I just stick out my chin and grin,and say........oi, oi, oi, oi, oi just like a Japanese porn star about to take another load on the face in a bukkaki film delivering yet another happy ending.

Be proud Dolphins fans that you root for the most unselfish of all "professional" sports organizations. Who knows we could be the Virgin Mary of sports organizations. Because of our inept errrrr generous franchise gave birth to Baby Jesus' first comeback. And if he delivers those beautiful white steeds from Denver to the promised land in America's heartland, we shall be proclaimed a recognized holy site.....by a non denominationl Christian organization.

Relax and breathe easy. We will be in the best of hands under the Carl Petersen regime. Especially after he dusts off Marty Schottenheimer. Just look at the joy he brought to the people of Cleveland, Kansas City, San Diego & Washington. Oh the future is so bright I just want to drink Kool Aid!

The Mayflower is on the Horizon!

Wow, the NFL is beginning to hit an all time low. The Jaguars were on Monday night again. Also by chance against a really bad underachieving Chargers team. Which how the fuck did these Sybil like Dolphins lose to them? (Stay on task, kick the dead horse Jags some more.) Yes I know my as shitty Dolphins were on MNF twice this season. However, the Dolphins do have a little bit more seniority over you douche bags. If you say you are a "lifelong" (come on 16 seasons is not lifelong. They can barely drive on their own at 16!) Jags fan and actually have some knowledge of your franchise then that's Kool & the Gang. But at some point in your football viewing time, you were loyal to another team. And I bet you were a Dolphins fan.

How this paper mill/incredibly bad tasting beer brewery, Brunswick Stew of a town landed not only this franchise, but a Super Bowl too, is as gross as fucking your sister! Since your owner put a franchise in too small of a viewing area, my town became a secondary viewing market for this bullshit. This means unless there is an impending threat of nuclear war, the Jaguars' road games will get priority over all! Fuck! Thanks! And thanks for the extortion I have to pay Direct TV to get around the iron viewing curtain you have imposed on us! I would compare this act of fascism to something similar an undersized Bavarian guy did to a country known for really bad Polish jokes. "Hallo! Ve are your new landlords!" STOMP STOMP STOMP STOMP! But last week, November 28, 2011 is a day I will forever cherish. It will mark the beginning of the end. I like to call it VJ Day. Victory over Jacksonville. For that was the day Dick Dastardly and Mutley became liberators to Dolphin fans in Central Florida!

In a previous blog, I lulled you to a good night's rest about how Jacksonville became the colostomy bag of the NFL. I titled it The Perfect Storm. http://ronnmexicoshow.blogspot.com/2009/12/perfect-storm.html I love how Wayne (lame duck owner) stuck to his guns and staunchly swore he would never sell the franchise! How he begged to have seats tarpped. This way he could make sellouts because his stadium was too big and his followers too small. Yes this indeed is the Old Mother Hubbard of franchises. His army of followers deserting him, Wayne goes down into the bunker with Eva errr Mrs. Weaver and contemplates the inevitable. A move to Argentina. NEIN! A complete surrender to our Liberators. I think his meeting with Khan went something like this. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wRnSnfiUI54

So as I learn more info on Dick Dastardly (Khan). He currently resides in Urbana, Illinois. Which is 3 hours east of St. Louis, Missouri. Now Missouri has two NFL franchises. The Chiefs and the vagabond Rams. These same Rams were for sale recently and were almost bought by Khan. Are you connecting the dots yet Jacksonville? It's very close proximity to his empire! Now it's no secret Los Angeles wants a team. However it's a complete Jerry Springer show when it comes to settling on a location for a stadium. St. Louis seems to average about 20 years with football teams. The football Cardinals were there 21 years. The Rams have been there for 16. About as "lifelong" as the Jags. But the warranty is about to expire if they continue their losing ways. And if St. Louis finds better things to do with it's city's money. At least according to this article I found on this St. Louis Public Radio site. You know it has to be true when it delivered with the dyness of Public Radio! http://news.stlpublicradio.org/post/la-stadium-moves-forward-possible-implications-rams. I also heard a report on NFL Network it would cost the Jags 50 million to get out of their contract. Any iniquitous politician worth his eye teeth will jump at the chance for that cash to let this dead zone of a franchise go. And after the discount rate Khan probably got the JV Jags for, 50 million should develop some new trailer parks for Duval County.

L.A. is a town accustomed to divorces and break ups. And the Rams coming back to L.A. would make a great Hollywood story. Read my Lifetime movie of the week version here, simply titled, The Battle for Los Angeles. http://ronnmexicoshow.blogspot.com/2009/10/battle-for-los-angeles.html St. Louis is the rest stop for NFL franchises. Let's face it, the Cardinals baseball team rules that town. It doesn't matter who is playing football. It's just something to fill the void between baseball seasons.

So my ghoulish curiosity, the same curiosity I have for tabloids at the checkout counters, forced me to watch the Chargers/Jaguars game last night. It's three hours I will never get back. I tune in right at the end of Monday Night Countdown. The talking heads are split 50/50 for this game. I guess I was drunk off the moonshine I recently brought home, but I picked this JV squad to win too. It wound up costing me the football pool to an 8 year old. Seriously! But my reasoning for picking them was this. Usually when a coach gets fired, players know it is audition time. And they play out of their fucking minds. Plus the Chargers past performances had been anything but electrifying. I assumed they would continue on this glorious path of self destruction.

So the game starts. Gone are the days of the Bocephus intro. Instead I was shown a montage of Jaguar "greats." Tony Boselli, Fred Taylor, Mark Brunell and Jimmy I wasn't on NYPD Blue Smith. Ok they are trying to show they did have some decent players at one time. However it opens to a high angel shot of Ever Bank Stadium. What sticks out are the several sections of tarpped seats. Which probably makes the fans feel right at home. Considering most of the trailers they came out of to see tonight's game have tarps on their roofs. Jacksonville, how do you still have to have some local company buy the remaining seats to ensure a sell out when you have like 10,000 plus seats already covered? What is more astonishing are the announcers saying that there hasn't been a black out this season. How the fuck is that possible? When every home game this season has been blacked out on Direct TV? Bragging about a team's sell out streak with tarpped seats is like boasting you bowled a 300 with the bumpers on the gutter!

The spin on Jacksonville continues. They show Gabbert warming up. He looks like a runner up in a Kid Rock look alike contest, or the guy that scores weed for Skynard when they are in town. They mention Brad Meester and how he has played 173 straight games for the Jags. That man deserves a Medal of Honor for that shit. I heard Wayne Weaver gave him a gift card to Shoe Bazzar as a token of his appreciation.

Ever notice on MNF (Monday Night Football) when they come back from commercial they will mention points of interest a city is know for? Well Jacksonville is known for another close by city's attraction. That's right, and alligator farm in nearby St. Augustine. Also Jacksonville has a blue bridge and an oddly shaped building that is lit green. I think this is their Empire State Building and Brooklyn Bridge. MNF also shows a montage of post card pics of the said building and bridge. After that wore off it was tits and ass of the Jagettes or what ever the fuck they are called.

So by 12:04 of the 3rd quarter this game is out of reach. The Jacksonville faithful have jumped off this sinking trash barge of a franchise for dry land. Most of them had to be up early to go to work at the paper mill to assemble boxes. Or they had to get a jump on their meth routes. The early departures work in the new owners favor for relocation. There is some truth in the 1989 classic Major League. I'm sure there is a clause that if attendance drops, which it will in 2012, there is an out of some sort for that team to leave because it can't draw fans. Sort of like the plot in that film. So I would expect to see Jacksonville make some bold moves by signing castoffs, underachievers and deceased players to ensure that drop off in attendance.

Like baseball when there is a lull in the action which is most of the game, announcers have to make small talk. Producers in trucks direct cameramen to find ANYTHING interesting in the crowd. What caught my attention was this unoriginal asshole wearing a fireman's hat decorated in Jags colors. Didn't some douche bag in NY do this already? Thankfully spelling was cut from the Duval school system. So we'll be spared chants of J! A! G! S! MNF's announcers also made mention of how depleted the Jags were of talent. All they have is Maurice Jones-Drew. He is the league leader in rushing. He is like the modern day O.J. And ironically wears #32. Hopefully the frustrations of this franchise do not take it's toll and make him take up beheading as a hobby. Or tossing the keys to his teal Ford Bronco to Jimmy Smith for a low speed chase across I 10.

Now the final nail in the coffin to me was when the broadcast ended. Sportscenter talked about anything but the Monday night game for about 15 minutes. A Denver Broncos rookie linebacker's broken thumb was a bigger topic than this game. Then it dawned on me. Stu Scott and Trent Dilfer are doing the show from the studios in Connecticut. Not from the side lines of the Gator Bowl. And Steve Young said fuck this noise and took a sick day. Damn Jacksonville you were not worth the per diem and airfare for these guys!

I'm telling you Jacksonville, the Mayflower vans are on the horizon. And Khan mentioned the discount code "Irsay" and got a deal on the move. My advice to you is treat this franchise like a house you can't afford the mortgage on. Stop paying and just walk away.

The Best Little Whorehouse in Miami Gardens.

It saddens me to make this comparison. But, Joe Robbie Stadium (I don't acknowledge any other names it's been called) is a total whorehouse. Not that I am disparaging whorehouses, they serve a wonderful purpose for the sexually challenged. But they do go out of their way to cater to the discriminating tastes of their Johns errrrr ahem clients.

How dare I sully the House that Joe built you say!?!? I apologize but the truth more than a dry ass fucking. Let's face it, our media mogul owner who has brought you the orange carpet, countless "Dancing With the Stars" worthy celebrity partners, a fucking "Night a the Roxbury" worthy douchebag hive of a club in the end zone, late starts to make it a more fan friendly experience and the cherry on top of the fucking sundae of a hot mess this franchise is in.....honoring a COLLEGE teams' fucking championship at a "PROFESSIONAL" (I use that term very loosely with these guys) football event. And such a stroke of luck that the starting qb for the Broncos also happened to be the starting qb for that collegiate team! Fuck he got two girls at once and can go bareback treatment!

Seriously Stephen, you totally have sold out for some cash this past Sunday. I hope you use that windfall of blood money towards improving what's on the field than what houses the team. I think it's perfectly acceptable to honor high school teams from South Florida and past Dolphin teams. But a college team that has more followers than your "professional" franchise! UF is quite capable of honoring it's own. Not only have you sullied the house that Robbie built, but you also have pissed on the hospice that Charlie Hough came to rest in! The roost of the fledgling FAU Hooters and most importantly the UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU's home field too.

Obviously he did it for the money. The man's no dummy. Being an NFL owner is a license to print money. Damn put a beat behind that line. Might of been influenced by "Rappers Delight" playing in the background. But a bit of advice about sports fans in South Florida. They are VERY, and I mean VERY FICKLE! Dolling the stadium up is a great idea. Seriously, it is. The party atmosphere he wants works for football. However you need a team. Look at the attendance of the other 3 major franchises.

Prior to the Heat getting Dwayne Wade, most Heat fans dressed as yellow seats in the Triple A. It took World Series appearances for the Marlins to get any butts in the seats besides when the Mets come to town. And did you know you have a hockey team? Really you do. But after 96 they got put on the shelf deep in the kitchen closet next to the menagerie of late night tv kitchen gadgets you've used once! But what do they all have in common? You will be forgotten about if you don't start winning!

Who the fuck in the pr department snowed you that honoring UF would be a great idea? I take that back. You must have known all along this season was going to suck, and you had to make up your loses. Damn you are fucking smart. Fickle fans breed bandwagoners. So here's how your Tebowmania starts. But guess what Steve, bad times are a commin, and you are about to reap what you done don't sew.

We need to upgrade the ho's Steve. We need a featured dancer. Some girls that give you just a little bit extra in the friction room. And a madam that knows how to whip these cunty little bitches into whores! Because if you don't, your beautiful whorehouse will be just another foreclosure in the 305!

Drink for Your Sanity!

So after 5 weeks I have to finally break my silence on the 2011 NFL season. First of all I am very surprised we are even having a season. I didn't think that game of chicken would ever end. So for some of you it's a great thing it had ended. For me, I wish the lockout was still going on.

Every year I tell myself not to have any expectations. All your going to do is aggravate yourself when they fall short....AGAIN! So what do I do? You guessed it. Completely lose my shit over the New England game. However this would be the first and last time I would do this in 2011.

It's not like I have money on the line or I actually play for them. But why do I let myself get sucked into each season? Like it's going to be different from the last season. The Dolphins are like an 80's horror movie. You already know what the outcome is going to be. And the Dolphins play the role of the dumb co-ed that runs upstairs and locks themselves in the bathroom. In other words they are a guilty pleasure to watch.

Now after my blow up I have decided to treat the Dolphin games like a bad reality show. They are a train wreck that I cannot take my eyes off of. I am now watching every game to see how many ways you can epically fail each week. And get blinding drunk. Let's face it Dolfans, we are the Chicago Cubs of football. Even though it hasn't been 100 years since the last title for Cubs fans, it sure feels like 100 years for Dolphin fans. Face it, our team is like a hot chic with an ugly face. And ironically to watch the Dolphins and fuck that hot chic, both require a paper bag over someone's face. The Dolphins are not a priority for this owner. I'm sure one of his advisers told him it would be a great investment to own an NFL club. The said look at the Bidwell's (Cardinals), Browns (Bengals) and until recently the Ford's (Lions). Bench marks of futility. They manage to trot out the same shit season after season, but still keep just enough interest to make a profit. It's a license to print money owning a team. Our Dolphins are now one of those teams. There is nothing, not even Morgan Freeman creating an artificial tail, that is going to save these Dolphins. I've been telling myself since the lockout ended, football is purely a day for me to over eat and drink. Have no expectations. Just enjoy a day to binge.

Speaking of binging, that brings up how I will make it easier and less memorable for you to watch the remaining "games" this season. In order to stomach this years squad, I have developed a drinking game to hold your attention and hopefully lower your blood pressure. First of all you must use shots of alcohol for this. Don't be a pussy and drink some shitty domestic beer. Jaeger, tequila, whiskey, 151 rum are appropriate. The stronger the better. You will thank me later after you pass out and miss these abortions they are televising.

Here are the rules:

1.) Any turnovers by the Dolphins is a shot. If Henne (or whomever else is the QB) throws a pick, 2 shots. Fumbles are worth one.

2.) Since the defense has been getting chewed up by tight ends this season, a shot for every huge gain the opposing teams' TE makes on us.

3.) Field goals are worth one shot. If Sporano is shown fist pumping the field goal a second shot.

4.) 1,2,3 and outs by the offense is a shot.

5.) Any penalties against the Dolphins, a shot.

6.) Any failed replay challenge is a shot.

7.) Anytime the QB for the Dolphins is sacked or the line fails to open any holes for the running back, a shot.

8.) If the other team scores, a shot.

9.) Any dropped pass by Brandon Marshall is worth two shots.

10.) Any time one of the umpteenth celebrity owners of the Dolphins gets any camera time, mentioning of the orange carpet or the club in the endzone 2 shots.

Now these rules are not set in stone. If you can come up with more way to get you to blow a .008 have at it. My advise to you Dolphin fans is hit Total Wine and stock up like a hurricane is coming. Have pillow and blankie ready, because you will not be awake by the start of the 2nd quarter. Which might not be a bad thing. You will wake up refreshed and have no memory of what you witnessed 4 hours ago. It's like you were paid a visit from the Men in Black. Which is exactly what we are going to need by the end of this season to forget this shit. Bottom's up Dolphin fans!

Turn Out the Lights....The Party's Over!!!!!!!

Well well well, So I went into semi seclusion in Northern Quebec after my last post. I ran into a bit of writer's erectile dysfunction. Compounded by the stench of how the Miami Dolphins finished, I just had nothing clever to say. Not that I am promising any wisdom in this latest outing. I at least have the sleepy eye of the tiger to motivate myself to write something.

I say this every year but I am more relieved than saddened by the ending of the NFL season. For as much as I love football, I love it when it's over...sometimes. Probably because I have not had a true post season experience. We all have our playoff mistress we support. And sometimes you get a girlfriend experience (Google it) with these teams you back in the playoffs. But it's not the same. As a buddy of mine said, "Winning the Super Bowl is like shooting ropes (Google that too)!"

It has been 37 years since Dolphin fans have been able to shoot off a rope. 26 since we've at least gotten hard. And from the looks of the beginnings of this off season, it looks like it will be even longer before we get some Viagra. I've taken a lot of shit from other Dolphins fans over my views of how limp this franchise has become. I've been labeled a turncoat, traitor, bandwagon jumper, not a true fan, etc. Correct me if I am wrong but if being brutally honest and showing you that the man behind the Aqua curtain is full of shit, than I guess I am guilty as charged. However not once have I stopped being a fan of these bozos.

Everyone is entitled to have an opinion. They are like vaginal warts. Everybody truck stop whore has them. And you cannot tell me you are always so fucking positive with everything these fucking guys do. Does criticizing the team you follow make you a traitor? Really? So all those people who bitch about taxes and the government make them traitors as well? And please, spare me it's not the same thing. Because it is. You guys that are so glazed over by staying positive and only saying good things about a product that even to blind people looks like shit are the fucking idiots. Let me make this perfectly clear. In all likelihood I will never see a winner (fuck you and shut the fuck up it's my God damn opinion!) However I will never stop being a Dolphins fan. We all have different ways of showing support. And in order for me to continue to support this shit I need to vent. It's been a long 37 years since I shot off a rope! That is some load that is over due. As Bill Hicks said "I've got backed up semen that's going to make my head explode. Next time I cum, it's going to be like a wax dart shooting out of my dick!" And if you don't know who Bill Hicks is, SHAME ON YOU!

What else has gone on with the bass akwards franchise since the season ended. Oh how could I forget, the botched attempt to get Jim Harbaugh as coach. Only the Dolphins could fuck this up this way. The only reason they wanted this guy is because his brother coaches the Ravens and they get into the playoffs it seems like every year. The Ravens were already a good team when he inherited them. So by Dolphins management's thinking they believe if the guy has the same last name he will be just as successful. WRONG!!! It seems to me the management of the Phins has turned into the Washington Redskins. Ross likes to go after the shiniest new toy because everybody else wants it. Just like Daniel Snyder. See Albert Haynesworth. Ross figures it's a big name who has won, and since most Dolphin fans are morons they will have their faith restored because they hired an unproven coach with a big name who turned Stanford into a winner.

Now if I am Sporano, I am mailing in this season. If there is a season. These guys did everything but double anal to get Harbaugh. And since the double anal only turned into Ireland and Ross crossing their dicks, they give Sporano a contract extension to smooth things over. And it's not like they were covert about it. And you have to love hearing from a credible source like Carl Peterson (who is waiting in the wings to really fuck this franchise up even more) to say they never had any intentions of hiring Harbaugh. BULLSHIT! Tony, fuck em! Mail it in. They (the franchise) are waiting for something bigger and better to come along for a coach. I would do a Spurrier, Come in a 9 be gone by noon. CTC! Cash that check bitch!

And speaking of shiny objects how many of you morons I criticize all want Vince Young? You're not serious right? Unless Miami can get him for $15.00 and a used massage table, he is not worth it. I can hear you right now "Oh you want Henne?" Actually yes I do. Compared to the other shit that is out there. How does bringing in a malcontent who barely knew his own teams offense going to be an upgrade at qb? He's a one hit wonder. He had his 15 minutes in the Rose Bowl. If the fans so much as boo him he goes into the fetal position, sucks his thumb and doesn't want to play any more. Last time I checked there wasn't a whole lot to cheer with this franchise! And why was this guy not disciplined for smacking the shit out of a hooker errr um exotic dancer in Dallas?

Henne made some bad throws and did have a horrible season in 2010. I agree and you cannot ignore that. However how many times did he wind up on his ass because nobody blocked? How man bad passes were made because he was under pressure because of poor offensive line play? How effective was the running game to take the pressure off of Henne? What is the common thread in all this. THE LINE! Again I know the line didn't make those passes. Henne did, but when your running game and pass blocking are non existent your qb is going to look like shit. Brady would look like a skid marked toilet bowl if he had to play behind that line.

Players are not given the luxury of time to develop. There was a quarterback some of you may have heard of. He played for the Pittsburgh Steelers in the 1970's. His name is Terry Bradshaw. That's right the 4 time winning Super Bowl quarterback. He also won 2 Super Bowl MVP's and is in the Hall of Fame. Now what does he have in common with lowly Chad Henne you may ask? Well bedside having a dick and balls both qb's were loathed by their "fans." And deservedly so in the beginning stages of their careers. Bradshaw was ridiculed unmercifully by the Steeler faithful. They felt he was incapable of playing the position. I believe they called him stupid. Bradshaw was benched a few times early on as well. But with a little time and a front office that concentrated on football, and not making Three Rivers Stadium into an east coast Los Angeles hot spot, they became an NFL dynasty.

Now am I saying Chad Henne is the next Terry Bradshaw? Shit no! But if he is given a little more time, a little more fucking patience from you people and maybe some protection he could turn into a decent quarterback. He's only been a full time starter for a season and a half! And spare me what about Joe Flacco and Matt Ryan comparisons. Yes the Dolphins could of drafted either one of those guys. Yes they had success early on in their careers. However do you think they would of survived with this porous line? Fuck no! And look at the teams who drafted them. Teams with a pretty good amount of talent on them. Not bare Old Mother Hubbard's cupboard!

But none of this will really matter. More than likely this game of chicken the league is playing is going to blow up like a nice shit pie suprise in their faces. I hope you enjoyed the Super Bowl folks. It might be the last one for a while. To quote the late great Dandy Don Meridith for Willie Nelson, "TURN OUT THE LIGHTS...THE PARTY'S OVER...they say that all good things must end...."