Talking Heads, Cialis & Thursday Night Football Commercials

You know what the fuck is with chit chat they always have to do on the news about when's it going to warm up? People bitch, moan and complain (sounds like a really fucked up triathlon)about it being hot all the time here. How's that hot weather looking to you now? This stuff sucks doesn't it? So your cold weather you ordered has shown up and what is the first thing you ask? Will it be here awhile? Does is it like Splenda or Equal? Boxer's or briefs? No like fucking parrots you regurgitate the same simple question. When's it going to warm up? Motherfucker you've been bitching for months for it to get cooler. Cool enough now. Shut the fuck up put on your God damn parka and wait till summer!

People you moved to fucking Florida. You know the state at the bottom of the map of the United States? The one that has pays for shit for jobs but has no state income tax. The one that fucks up presidential elections and where everybody from the north east comes to die. And they came here to die because it's fucking warm!

I am trying to figure out the Da Vinci code like hidden meanings behind the latest Cialis commercial. Have you seen this one? It shows this couple probably in their late 30's early 40's. They are in the backyard "pitching a tent.'You gotta love the subtleties for the guy getting a hard on. How about him loading lumber into a truck in the morning? Or how about guy who works for NASA pushing the launch button on a rocket. Or an old time choo choo engineer shoveling coal into a train engine as it goes into a tunnel? So what is the riddle of the Sphinx meaning behind the bathtub? Is it a metaphor for the wife being sloppy and wet? Like when he's eating her out? Getting the tub wet? Search me man.

Have you seen the Thursday night football commercials? There is this annoying music which sounds like the theme to Tic Tac Dough with Wink Matindale. And there are these changing backgrounds for each city's teams playing that night. Well the first time I really took notice of these commercials was when Tennessee played Indianapolis last week. For the Titans they showed these two white guys sitting in their log cabin I assume because it's Tennessee watching the game. There were Billy the Talking Bass on the wall. Then they show the Colts fan in his basement with his dog watching the game. What exactly are they trying to say about the fans in those towns? Rednecks versus the killer from Silence of the Lambs? But wait it gets better. This week has the 49ERS versus the Chargers. I am not making this up, but San Francisco had Chinese people sitting in an apartment eating what looks like a bowl of rice (I shit you not! Maybe it was Rice A Roni they were eating?). And San Diego had a white family in their living room with surf boards.

How about we do these commercials with what people really think of when you mention these cities? Like for San Francisco show a bunch of guys dressed like the biker from the Village People in the Castro District marching in a parade. And for San Diego show a bunch of Mexicans sneaking into the country. Or Miami show somebody doing a big fat rail of blow while changing the channel on the Dolphin game? Or some guys in a butcher shop in New Jersey cleverly disposing of an informant while the Giants game is on. Oh only if I could be in charge just one day.

Observations of Week 13

How do I begin with this one. Well I guees I'll start with the first team in the NFL that should be retracted. Well as I stated last week this is/was the type of game that the Dolphins would shit the bed. There is no improvement with this team. They either regress or get back to the point of almost regressing. Congratulations Dolphins on becomming the Chicago Cubs of the NFL. It will be well over 100 years before or if a NFL championship ever returns. You've served your time in Purgatory Dolphin fans. It's time we part ways and find a new NFL franchises to root for. Retract the Dolphins and bring up an Arena football team to take their place.

I know it's the bitterness talking but enough's a fucking nough! How many more season's do we have to have to relive Groundhog's day? Of all the priorites the Miami Dolphins management has,football ranks the lowest. All they are about is bringing the Super Bowl to Miami. But what they mean is the game and not a championship for the franchise. All those improvments are not for you Dolphin fans. But for those other teams that like the weather and nightlife South Florida has so they can celebrate their teams championship.....AGAIN! Let's face it orange carpet and American Idols judges are not going to bring Tiffany to the office in Davie. But management that eats, sleep, breaths and shits football will. All the Dolphins are about is giving us dry hand jobs and blue balls!

Once again the NFL game mix channel fucks me again. Eight 1 PM games and only seven shown in the boxes. Saints at Bengals deemed too offensive to be seen. Instead let's show you the Red Zone channel. Yeah let's bring you live coverage of the seven other games you can already see. Hey dumb fucks! If you show all eight games like you have room for,there is no reason for the redzone channel because all the games would be on anyway! Jesus Christ Directv! WTF is it going to take for you fucking shit heads to realize we want to see all the games!?!?!?! Then at 4 PM they only bring us four of the five late games on the mix channel. I guess with the dumming down of America we need to keep up still fucking images of the Browns helmet glorifying their shitty win over a JV football team.

What is the deal with the alternate uniforms? The nomads of the NFL also known as the Cardinals got their name because the jerseys they bought from a college football team were faded to a cardinal red color. So the name comes from the color of their shirt. Not the bird. And last time I check the only black cardinals I have seen were serving in the Vatican from the Dominican Republic! So what the fuck is with the black jerseys? Why are you making more memorabilia choices for a franchise that nobody follows? And I'm not sure what color the Packers had on yesterday but am I the only person that sees the humor in a team called the "Packers" wearing a brownish color and is playing a team from the most openly gay city in America?

And tonight we are sired with watching the two most obnoxious fan bases in the NFL play on Monday Night Football. I mean we're fortunate it's at least two teams with winning records and not like last Monday when it was the 49ers vs some new franchise Arizona got in an expansion we didn't know about. But fuck both of these franchises! Do you just root for a scorless game? Do you actually wish an act of terrorisim on the stadium? I mean what do you do? Hmmm the Lifetime movie about the guy who two times his ovarian cancer stricken wife with an underage teen age girl who is the center of a bitter custody between her parents sounds a lot more appealing. Damnit where's the Kleenex!?!?

The End of the Innocence

Remember when you were kid? About seven, maybe eight years old. That's about the age where being a little kid starts to fade away. Your friends started to find out there are no fictional characters. First it's Santa Claus. Then they all start to fall like dominoes. The Easter Bunny, then the Tooth Fairy. Even all the oversized characters you see at theme parks. "Sorry kid but they are all just people in a costume." Poof! The magic is gone.

That's kind of how I feel about this 2010 Miami Dolphin season. I have finally (I know it took me that long!) come to the realization that the team I have supported for 30 plus years is just a fairy tale. They are not as good as I've made them out to be. But like anyone who has been severly brainwashed by winning consecutive championships on Madden you refuse to believe this. You are white knuckled dug in deep hanging on for dear life to that age of innocence. Wishing that at some point you'd wake up in your jammies know it was all just a bad dream.

But it's not. It's the sobring truth. This team and this franchise in general is in some sort of purgatory. I mean I've know since Week 4 against the Patriots the Dolphins were basicly caught in the tuna net and are going to be pulled aboard a Japanese fishing vessel. But cheese and fucking crackers guys what the fuck was that shit you put out on the field last night(reffering to the Bears/Dolphins game)? What the fuck have you put on the field the past 11 weeks?

Why? Why every year does it have to be this way with this franchise? Was I the Marquis de Sade in a former life and now I am paying for it? Was Satan really present in 72 in order for this team to go undefeated and still be the only one to go undefeated? I have never seen this franchise win shit. Sure I saw Marino break shitload of records. But even with him at qb this team was still doomed. Why you say? Because the Dolphins continue to do the same dumb mistake season after season. They put it all on one guy or one side of the ball to burden the load. The Dolphins have not been a "team" since they won back to back titles in the 1970's. And that was a long fucking time ago!

After Miami signed Marino he was the entire team until JJ came to town. Then we got this great defense that would swoon every late November into December. Why? Because they were fucking exausted from carrying this sack a shit of a franchise. Then JJ spilts and in comes Uncle Dave. JJ snows Wayne that this is the guy. Marino is gone and in comes dreadlocekd Jesus Ricky. Dave puts it all on Ricky and the defense. Do we really need to relive how this went?

Then we get this red ass of a coach (Saban) who winds up pulling a dead beat dad and hauls ass on us. So we get a patsy as coach (Cameron) to be the stop gap and in comes the Tuna. All is well don't worry he's going to make us a winner. And to his credit he did in the first season. So what do we load all the hopes and dreams onto again? Not a player. Not defense, but a unorthodox play formation. The wildcat. But like anything else with the Dolphins it gets overused and the rest of the league figures how to defend it.

The 2010 season really reflects a popular song by Katy Perry. Hot n Cold. Yes I refrenced one of her songs. But an apropos title for them. One week they seem to have it together, then the next they look in contention for a first round pick. Don't let the Oakland game sucker you in Dolphin fans. They looked good. It felt good to really beat a team. However you know the Browns are going to look like a elite team after Sunday. I hope not but by the bi polar antics of the Dolphins this season I am forcasting a total bed shitting by the Dolphins on Sunday. Which is ironic because the team is the Browns.

All you can hope for this 2010 season is that they play spoiler and fuck up New England or New York's season and keep one of them out of the playoffs. It's really crucial they beat both of them so they split. But that's like asking Christopher Reeve to walk when he was alive. So cross your fingers they can at least give one of them a nice big shit burger to eat for the holidays!