So after 5 weeks I have to finally break my silence on the 2011 NFL season. First of all I am very surprised we are even having a season. I didn't think that game of chicken would ever end. So for some of you it's a great thing it had ended. For me, I wish the lockout was still going on.
Every year I tell myself not to have any expectations. All your going to do is aggravate yourself when they fall short....AGAIN! So what do I do? You guessed it. Completely lose my shit over the New England game. However this would be the first and last time I would do this in 2011.
It's not like I have money on the line or I actually play for them. But why do I let myself get sucked into each season? Like it's going to be different from the last season. The Dolphins are like an 80's horror movie. You already know what the outcome is going to be. And the Dolphins play the role of the dumb co-ed that runs upstairs and locks themselves in the bathroom. In other words they are a guilty pleasure to watch.
Now after my blow up I have decided to treat the Dolphin games like a bad reality show. They are a train wreck that I cannot take my eyes off of. I am now watching every game to see how many ways you can epically fail each week. And get blinding drunk. Let's face it Dolfans, we are the Chicago Cubs of football. Even though it hasn't been 100 years since the last title for Cubs fans, it sure feels like 100 years for Dolphin fans. Face it, our team is like a hot chic with an ugly face. And ironically to watch the Dolphins and fuck that hot chic, both require a paper bag over someone's face. The Dolphins are not a priority for this owner. I'm sure one of his advisers told him it would be a great investment to own an NFL club. The said look at the Bidwell's (Cardinals), Browns (Bengals) and until recently the Ford's (Lions). Bench marks of futility. They manage to trot out the same shit season after season, but still keep just enough interest to make a profit. It's a license to print money owning a team. Our Dolphins are now one of those teams. There is nothing, not even Morgan Freeman creating an artificial tail, that is going to save these Dolphins. I've been telling myself since the lockout ended, football is purely a day for me to over eat and drink. Have no expectations. Just enjoy a day to binge.
Speaking of binging, that brings up how I will make it easier and less memorable for you to watch the remaining "games" this season. In order to stomach this years squad, I have developed a drinking game to hold your attention and hopefully lower your blood pressure. First of all you must use shots of alcohol for this. Don't be a pussy and drink some shitty domestic beer. Jaeger, tequila, whiskey, 151 rum are appropriate. The stronger the better. You will thank me later after you pass out and miss these abortions they are televising.
Here are the rules:
1.) Any turnovers by the Dolphins is a shot. If Henne (or whomever else is the QB) throws a pick, 2 shots. Fumbles are worth one.
2.) Since the defense has been getting chewed up by tight ends this season, a shot for every huge gain the opposing teams' TE makes on us.
3.) Field goals are worth one shot. If Sporano is shown fist pumping the field goal a second shot.
4.) 1,2,3 and outs by the offense is a shot.
5.) Any penalties against the Dolphins, a shot.
6.) Any failed replay challenge is a shot.
7.) Anytime the QB for the Dolphins is sacked or the line fails to open any holes for the running back, a shot.
8.) If the other team scores, a shot.
9.) Any dropped pass by Brandon Marshall is worth two shots.
10.) Any time one of the umpteenth celebrity owners of the Dolphins gets any camera time, mentioning of the orange carpet or the club in the endzone 2 shots.
Now these rules are not set in stone. If you can come up with more way to get you to blow a .008 have at it. My advise to you Dolphin fans is hit Total Wine and stock up like a hurricane is coming. Have pillow and blankie ready, because you will not be awake by the start of the 2nd quarter. Which might not be a bad thing. You will wake up refreshed and have no memory of what you witnessed 4 hours ago. It's like you were paid a visit from the Men in Black. Which is exactly what we are going to need by the end of this season to forget this shit. Bottom's up Dolphin fans!
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